I stood up, expecting Andrew to walk out the door and never come back. "I'm so sorry Casey" Andrew looked up at me with his big brown eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who messed everything up."
"No" he stood up, "I knew I shouldn't have tried to be friends with you."
I flinched. I was thankful he was finally understanding, but it still hurt to hear him say it. "So now do you understand?" I asked, moving away from him to put some distance between us.
"No, I don't think you understand" he closed the gap I had just created. "I knew I shouldn't have tried to be friends with you because I wanted more."
"Oh" was all I could respond, I wasn't expecting that.
"Yeah, I thought maybe being friends would be enough. I never meant to come between you and Scott" he explained.
"You didn't, you helped us for a long time!" I reminded him.
"But it wasn't easy for me" he admitted.
"What do you mean?" I was confused. He was always so encouraging when I felt like giving up.
"Casey I—" he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground, "this is gonna sound terrible."
"I don't think it could be worse than what I did" I consoled.
He gave me a sheepish grin, "I have had feelings for you, pretty much since I met you."
"Oh" I responded again. I really need to work on better knee jerk responses. Andrew looked down again in embarrassment.
"But how? I mean you looked so happy with Leah?" I was so confused at this point.
"I thought Leah and I were done. She was barely around anymore. When I saw you for the first time..." he gestured to me. "I think it made her jealous? She started acting like things were good again. I knew you were in a serious relationship so I wasn't even going to go there. I figured the best thing would be to try and make it work with her."
"But how? You— I mean?" I stammered as I tried to make sense of this.
"I told you, it sounds terrible" he reiterated.
"I don't understand" I breathed out and sat down on the floor where I was standing.
Andrew sat down next to me. He rubbed his eyes and tried his best to make it clear. "The first time I saw you? I um- I had to remind myself that you were already taken. It wasn't easy to be around you. You were so happy and easy going. Especially given your circumstances. And when you would smile, I couldn't focus on anything else, so I focused all my attention into making it work with Leah."
"But you helped me and Scott"
"Because it was the right thing to do. You were clearly in love with him, and I wanted you to be happy."
"So you stuck it out with Leah, even though she treated you terribly?"
Andrew sighed, "it was easier to focus on what I had rather than focus on what I didn't have."
"But what about when she broke up with you? You looked so broken?" I reminded him.
"I was. I mean, I knew we had our problems. I just never expected her to cheat" he began to rub the back of his neck. "But that night, when you came to say goodbye? It took everything to let go of you. That's when I realized I never should have held onto Leah as long as I did so I kinda of did it to myself."
"I'm sorry Andrew" I whispered, and started to bite my nails. This was much more messier than I think both of us realized. He has to know how crazy it would be for us to be together now.
"I'm not" he grabbed my hand and held it in his.
"How can you say that?" I asked incredulously.
"I'm not happy about how we got here, but I'm certainly not sorry that we are here" he gestured around us.
"But, I'm a mess. A huge, overwhelming mess who shuts down and slams doors in your face" I reminded him.
Andrew laughed and then turned towards me, "we could be a mess together you know?" I tried not to smile, but I couldn't help it. "I'm sorry you had to carry that guilt for so long by yourself Casey" he added. Tears immediately sprang from my eyes as Andrew did what he always does, he knows exactly what I need even when I don't want it.
He wiped away my tears and put his arm around me. I felt safe and warm as he held me. I fought him for so long, tried to stay away and now I am surrendering. And it felt like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
"Wait, what about Dani?" I asked, I have been encouraging her to go out with Andrew. It would be terrible for me to take him after that.
Andrew laughed, "I kind of figured we were past you trying to get me to date her."
"No I mean, I was the one that told her to ask you out. She's gonna hate me now" I explained.
Andrew ran his fingers through my hair, "It's a good thing I already told her I was in love with you."
"What? When?" I pulled away, has she known this whole time? I must of looked like an idiot trying to encourage her to date him.
"Tonight, before I came here" he assured.
"Oh" I relaxed and Andrew laughed again.
"I think she already knew because she didn't seem very surprised" he added. I buried my face in my hands, embarrassed. Andrew gently pulled my hands down, and and caressed my cheek, "I love you Casey" he said quietly.
My heart raced, at his words. How can something so messy and painful end up feeling this good? I didn't deserve Andrew's love, but here he was handing it to me. And every part of me, including the guilty and broken parts, wanted it.
"I love you too Andrew" I choked, overwhelmed with emotion.
"So will you stop pushing me away?" he smiled at me, revealing those dimples that I love so much.
I laughed, "I'll try" I admitted.
"That's all I ask" he said before gently kissing me again. He stood up and reached his hand out to me, this time I grabbed it. Once we were both standing, Andrew scooped me up and carried me to the couch. I couldn't help but giggle, the way he effortlessly held me and then gently laid me down was exciting. He grabbed a throw blanket off the side of the couch and covered us both up.
"What are you doing?" I was curious.
"It's been a long night" he started and grabbed the TV remote, "and you need to relax. But I'm not ready to leave you yet."
He turned on Cake Wars and I smiled remembering how that was the first show we watched together over six years ago. "Cake Wars?" I asked.
He shrugged and smiled, "I figured it was the first show we watched together" he echoed my thoughts.
"I remember that night. It was way more fun than the party."
Andrew blushed, "I just remember being nervous."
"What? You did not seem nervous. You brought me ice cream" I reminded him.
"Well you looked sad, and I wanted to cheer you up"
"But you didn't seem nervous"
He looked like he was choosing his words before he spoke, "yeah well I was. And you didn't make it easy on me."
"What did I do?" I was surprised.
"You looked amazing, and you smelled sweet, like flowers." he reminisced.
"I'm sorry?" I was almost at a loss for words.
He laughed. "It's okay. It wasn't as bad as that night you came over during rush."
"Okay wait, what did I do that time?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, you um, we're dressed...differently" he was vague. I thought back to that night trying to remember what outfit Rachel talked me into. I recalled Andrew's gaze when he turned around that night in the kitchen. Seeing it from his point of view made me smile.
"That was the night Rachel made me wear the super tight dress, I remember I could barely breathe in the thing."
"Yeah well, it was distracting. I had to keep stirring the food so I could focus" he confessed.
I laughed and curled up to him. It was nice to hear how he felt. I've been trapped with my own assumptions for so long, I never would have believed Andrew felt this way about me for as long as he did.
"Since we are being honest, I have to tell you something"
Andrew's arm around me tightened, "okay?"
"When I first saw you, I felt terrible"
"Oh wow, thanks?" he huffed.
"No not like that!" I sat up and looked at him, "I thought you were devastatingly handsome and that you had the most gorgeous brown eyes I had ever seen."
Andrew blushed again, and honestly it was becoming one of my favorite looks of his.
"That made you feel terrible?"
"Yeah, I felt guilty like I was cheating on Scott. So, I shoved those thoughts away" I looked down at my left wrist tattoo and covered it with my other hand. Part of me will probably always feel ashamed about what I had done.
Andrew wrapped his fingers around my right wrist and pulled my hand away. "You don't have to do that. I know how important he is to you" Andrew gently explained.
"I just, I don't know if I'll ever not feel guilty about what I did. And every time I look at you, I'm reminded of the choices I made" I explained.
"You can't blame yourself for what happened Casey. It wasn't your fault."
"I know. But maybe if I would have just waited for him, he might not—" the words stopped in my throat as I began to circle back to the guilt I have been holding on to.
"Casey, no one could blame you for making that choice."
"But I could—"
He stopped me, "I remember the way you looked that night we ran into each other at the Quick Stop. You were hurt. And I remember how you battled with yourself for days after."
"Yeah but I still—"
"I'm not gonna let you talk yourself down Casey. I can't. And not because I don't want to lose you, but because I won't let you carry that guilt any longer."
I cried again as Andrew said all the right words. I have been desperate for a way out of this pain I've been holding onto, and Andrew has been there all along reaching his hand out to me.
"I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you" I sobbed.
Andrew smiled and wiped my tears away, "that's too bad because I'm yours whether you like it or not. Plus you've already tried pushing me away and it didn't work" he teased.
This made me laugh, "I'm glad it didn't"
"Me too."
