Belongs To An Insouciant

Want's to know me.

Shutting my door i slide down against my door shocked.

He said he wanted to know me,he wants to know his wife,damn him now all of sudden I'm his wife he can't be serious,not now,Allah.I belonged to him what was I to him a possession,like hell.

Did it ever even occur to him what I wanted.He has to get down from his high horses.I want to tell him I don't belong to anyone.

In the beinging few years I thought my future was with him,after we grow up we'll be getting married. But very soon after that I knew I could never do it,never be in a loveless and compromised relationship. I've always seen love in my father's eyes for my maa .

What I've already been through is enough,enough suffering sorrow pain and misery,I endeavoured it because it was Allah's will,these sorrows came like a test of my patience,it was all circumstantial.But not for anyone I will not put anyone before me,no one at all, I was not going to choose a new suffering for rest of my life.

I don't want to cry again,I want to be happy.I want to leave my nightmares and fears behind me.

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January

My days are spent searching for information about oncology, after I went for my interview and got accepted.

It's been two weeks since my I've been working in hospital,I was thoroughly enjoying it,working practically as like I was living my own dreams but it was as tiring and makes me as worried and scared of messing up.

With long working hours I barely have any time left to search .From going to the hospital and coming back takes almost two hours from my break time everyday.

As I was busy doing that my mobile pinged I saw a notification appear that 1 lac were transferred to my account. It must be Taya g,I don't know when will he stop sending me monthly pocket money which I don't even need as much.I don't know how to convince him.

Hospital was an 40 minutes away,it's such a tiring ride sometimes.I wish I had Hospital nearby,for people to go there easily and have all the facilities available, there was small government runned Hospital which has limited facilities.

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Later at night when I went to bed I opened all my notifications and saw the message from my bank it wasn't taya gee who sent me my monthly pocket money.It It was Moosa who did.Allah what he is up to now.I left my bed putting on my niqab I went to his room to give him a piece of mind.

" why did you sent me money."
"I think it's obvious don't you think so Ilham." him and his habit of calling me by my name again and again,it gives me such a weird feeling ,like it meant different when he says it.

"From now on I'll sent you money,I've told baba not to send you money anymore It's delayed but it won't happen again.It's been long enough since he's doing my job."
He was was saying it while working on some files.He had a study next to his room.

"I dont care if it's delayed I don't want your money, I told tra ge not to send me any money I get enough pocket money from my baba and Da,I'm telling you now too please don't send any money I'll return these money back to your account."
I said it and turned back to go to my room,because facing him like this is feeling like I have so less air left in my lungs,it feels the more I'll talk to him engage with him it will become more and more real.But he wasn't done imposing like always.

"You won't do no such thing,because I've told Da And uncle not to send you any money from now too,because whatever you need it's my responsibility to give it to you."
What how did he manage to convince them not to.

"Ok well what,Baba would never listen to you,you are lying".

"Oh now how conveniently you are accusing me of being a lier."he said coming in front of me ,towering me.

"Hmm I, I didn't mean it like that."I said looking on my feet.
"I'll ask Baba,and and it's like,like you think you owe me something when it's nothing like that you don't owe me anything." I said looking at him.it was as I mastered all the nervousness.

"And as if you accept our nikkah."
His staring at me is so like he is finding me.

" Yes isn't it obvious to you already,you have every right on me as I've on you."
Allah what is he saying.Why is he not getting over this.

"What are you saying,I never thought you would want something like that now,because I for sure don't.I,I don't want to get married to you."

"Funny how we are already married Ilham how many times we talked about it.When I said you are Mrs Ilham Haider Hayat Khan,when I said I want to know my wife,when I said you should know who you belong to,it never made it obvious enough.What i wanted."he stating it as if it was as simple. I though it was only to save his grace that he was trying to fulfil his apparent responsibilities.

"And as have I made it clear as many times what I feel about this,had I not.
When I said I don't want to talk to you,when I said I don't want you to see my face."
I exclaimed .

"And I feel it means we need to talk it to out."
"I'm not going to get over it, you and I are husband and wife,this nikkah means it's worth for me ,you are so well informed about the core of this,it's importance."he was saying as I wasn't honoring this relationship.

"Who are you to think I don't honor nikkah it's thought ,it's purpose in our religion,I do and I believe forcing it is as disrespectful.I want to honor it only doing it with all my heart, for what it is to be done for".
Thousands time word love has stopped on tongue tonight nikkah was about loving and honoring each other.

"It feel you so so hung upon this concept of me being your wife ,you have made it real for yourself."

"Yes when have I disagreed yes I consider you my wife,I want to honor an oath I took in front of Allah and Prophet s.a.w when I accept you as my wife ."Ever so confidentiality and assuredly he was saying it.

"You feel obliged or something but I don't need a reminder of this I don't want to be tied to you.
What,what if I ."
I bit my lips,it was difficult saying it,it's such a big word to say.

"What if I want to take a divorce to,to free you of any oath."