Belongs To An Insouciant

Nikkah(marriage)

I don't know how those two days want by,when were the invites send,how were the preparations made,the pressure took too much of a tool on me.I got really high fever.I was dressed in a traditionally jora.Allama came asked for my acceptance.I only remember I was sitting in drawing room I signed the papers.I missed my Maa too much that day in that time.Her absence made it even more worse for me.

And next day Grandma died too.i was taken to see her one last time and I couldn't comprehend what happened.i couldn't cry I was so looking at her like I was turned into a stone.
That's all I can remember of her death.3 weeks went by but I was not getting well.

Moosa went back to U.k where he was since last 6 years of his life.I once thought he won't agree,I don't know how he did that he was a person who won't do anything he won't want.He has not seen me our family was religious,boys and girls didn't mix up alot after growing up,I think it was on my Maa death I saw him standing next to the coffin he was looking at me but never said one word to console.
When I was just a child.So obviously he didn't like me.

Above that I don't know what this was gonna lead my life too,with this intention , with what purpose I did it, how could it ever work.Everyday,everyday it saddens me what had I done for myself.And I don't want it,this relationship.

I had become his unwanted wife.And that thought was killing me too.

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November 2018

Its been six years since my grandma died so does how long I have been married.My step mom tried her best to be my mom.I'm very thankful for her to God cuz even if I couldn't get attached to her she didn't become typical step mom.Or it's just we have also stereotyped this relationship.

Today after 6 years Moosa's return was ringing bells in my head.
Da who was always very sad of not having Moosa around but never showed,seems happy.Maybe the truth was he missed him too much and that was reason of bad health too.I saw him crying while praying for Moosa many times.And it infuriated me on how he didn't care.like he got in this relation with right intentions.

No matter how worried I was for myself I was happy for him and tayi(fathers elder brother wife).Almost every one was eagerly waiting for him.
But I heard Baba(father)talking to my stepmom about how come Moosa was considerate enough for coming back to Pakistan after 6 years and why no one was angry about it.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I felt it too.That no one is concerned that he did not consider coming back or caring about his marriage.

I couldn't bare everyone talking about him so I closed myself in my room telling everyone that I need to study.But I couldn't take my mind off this.So I was laying on my bed trying to sleep it off

Tomorrow new a new storm was waiting for me when I woke up this morning another struggle awaited me once again,or was it past coming back to mock me,it was end of freedom me,past couldn't be left behind,and I don't know how was i gonna face it.And anxiety of it was strangling me too much.it was as every ounce of air was sucked out of me.These thoughts were killing.
I couldn't breathe.I really couldn't.And I knew more nightmares were waiting for me tonight.I was seeing a psychiatrist but tonight no medicine could prevent them.And Knowing that a lone tear washed my face.

I hope to God he was not coming to marry.I know he doesn't have any interest in me or he would have done something.He just left like nothing happened after nikkah,he must have known in what condition i was that time he never bothered coming to see his wife.Knowing what I have been through before.And I was glad about that I never liked him since how inconsiderate he was on my Maa's death.
He was not that young he was 14 it very unlikely he won't understand what kinda pain it was of someone losing their Mom.I just don't want that it changes anything thing.
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Night went by me tossing in my bed,waking up sweating and panicking because of nightmares.

I prayed my morning prayers and went back to sleep.And woke up after 2 hours to go to my University it was around 8 am when I came on the breakfast table.

Everyone was there,no one was a late riser in our family,so atleast on breakfast table everyone was there, Maryun was on vacations.And hearing Moosa was coming everyone wanted to be together for his highnesses welcome.

OH Allah since when did I get started having these bitter thoughts.
I was not a bitter person i valued my sanity too much.

"Asalamalikum "I greeted everyone.
"Walikumsalam" everyone greeted me back,
"I didn't see you since yesterday my child where were you,"my tayi asked me who's my mother in law too well a piece of paper indicates it .
"I slept early tayi"
"Ok my child when will you be back from university,can you come back early since you know Moosa is coming back today" she was really happy and I was for her but I don't know why she thought I'll be wanting to be there for his arrival.

I did rather be anywhere than here when he comes.

"I'll try tayi but it all depends on my classes" I did not wanted to spoil her happiness by showing I had no interest what so ever in her son.
"Thank God my exams are over or how would have i been home when bhai arrives,I would have passed time looking at the needles of the clock like you have to Api(elder sister)"maryum exclaimed.
I was giving her a death glare so she would shut Up.Sometimes she just let's her mouth run.
"Ok tayi I have to go,Allah hafiz Da"i said giving him a side hug.
I covered my face properly,I always preferred covering my myself up.

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