Belongs To An Insouciant

his voice

I deliberately sat on one end of the table because I don't want to face Moosa.

"Asalamalikum"
"Oh my son I was waiting for you to get up for so long."Phupo went to hug Moosa,they were standing at the door of dining hall behind me.
"How are both you".he probably was asking to Nimrah who too went to greet him.

Hearing his voice was making me feel as someone was squeezing my heart.I don't know why was I hurt so much,his absences never affected me.But the pain I felt made my eyes watery.
Everyone started to eat.

"Moosa bhai you didn't meet Api ,did you see her,she sitting next to Maryyum see."she asked Moosa excitedly.

Hearing Nimrah ask that stopped my hands I almost choked my bite.She was As obvious to the situation as ever.

" No I didn't,I'm sorry Asalamalikum Ilham".Moosa greeted me
"Walikumsalam".I almost spite words out cuz I felt my throat dry.Thank God he couldn't see me.

"Ilham what's in dinner today."Tayi tried changing the topic to lighten up the atmosphere of the room.
"Lasagne Ilham's favorite Fatima bhabi you know her ".
Choti took upon her to answer for me.i think she understood I won't be able to say anything more.
"Moosa beta(son) start eating,why are you not eating" Choti maa said serving him
"I am thank you chachi(wife of father's younger brother)".
Nimrah and Maryyum was smiling constantly.
"Bhai lasagne is your favourite right,Api makes really good lasagne"

Oh lord why did I had to do this today of all days.I'm feel abashed.That was the reason they were smiling.
I took my half finished plate to the kitchen,and told our maid to serve moose that i made.One more thing that will serve me embarrassment.I hope he hates moose .
I came to my room.Lord he must be thinking I cooked for him.He must be thinking I'm trying to win him over.
"Api can we come in".It was Maryyum
"Yes what happened Maryum and Nimrah come in"
"We came to talk to you Api we wanted to spend some time with you".Nimrah said sitting with me on my bed.

"Api you know how much I missed bhai".Maryyum said looking at me she had so much longing in her eyes.It was as she wanted to lighten her heart with someone too just like me.So she just said it without any prelude.
I knew she did missed him alot  whenever she would talk 90 percent of the time it was about Moosa.

"You know Api,Nimrah it was as I was almost forgetting how he looked.he never had time to call us,video calling was even less possible,he didn'tlike talking on vedio calls,sometimes maa would call him not minding his dislikes".Me and Nimrah were listening to her quietly,It wasn't just me who had so much in her that needed to get of her chest.

"But Maryyum did you not notice he's even more handsome than he was before.And he has not seen Api yet imagine his awestruck face when he'll sees her."

"Nimrah stop babbling nonsense he won't see me ok,neither do I want him to". I scolded Nimrah

"See Nimrah she scolded me too earlier, But Api you're bhai's wife you'll live with him one day,are you not happy".

They can never understand what I'm going through,Maryyum had tears in her eyes she was already so emotional she missed him alot,she would always keep talking about him endlessly ,I feel I made it worse.

"Look Maryyum,I'm sorry don't cry".I tried consoling and hugging her.
"I know you love me and Moosa you want to see us together,but you understand in what circumstances our nikkah happened,there's nothing pleasant or normal about that nikkah.How can I be glad about this than."
"You're right api I understand".she wiped her tears.

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Nov 16

There were very few months left in completion of my degree.I had my breakfast in kitchen and left for University.I was so close to my dream.I'll do house job after exams exams.I only wanted that to be on my mind from now on.

After coming back from uni I got busy preparing for my exams.
Because Moosa was here I had to spend all my time closed in my room.
Da was happy having all his family around him.
I didn't see Da since yesterday so I came to see him in his room.

"Asalamalikum Da"i said peaking from his door.
"Walikumsalam Ilham come in,how are you"he was reading some book lying on his bed.
"How are you, did you take your medicines"
"I'm completely fine there was little problem and you took me to the hospital"he was referring back to when he was admitted in hospital last month.

"Even Moosa is trying to boss me around since morning,he says I'm too old".
"You should have told him my heart was in wreaking pain because I'm was longing for you,even though i had a grand daughter who loves me so much".I said to him teasingly lying next to him.But it was so true and I'm so angry with him because of this how neglected and ignorant could he be even.
"Oh see who's talking now,one who is making special dishes".he countered back turning towards me.
"Da you know I didn't ok,and don't tease me because of him.I don't like it "
"I'm worried for you,are you upset because he's back".
"I don't know Da I think I'm a bit,he can't be back because of me I know that Da its been 6 years he never entertained anyone on our nikkah,I'm only concerned about Tayi she's so excited for her son's wedding".
"Don't worry concentrate on your exams leave all worries to me."
"Thank you Da"
"You don't have any nightmares coming back right".He looked so concerned over my well being he was not in much of a good health.
"No Da not much".i said trying not to worry him more.

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