Belongs To An Insouciant

what i want(edited)

Moosa Jahngir Hayat

I was on the verge of breaking all my resolves of not just going to Ilham's room and telling her where and to whom she belongs.How I cornered her in the kitchen against the counter,she seemed so baffled of my actions,hell I'm so confused about my actions.Since when I was so casual about nearing a girl.

Da said she was never an immature girl not even when she got married to me,if that was the case I'm sure she married me only to make Dadi happy.

How much effort was put into convincing me that she was a right choice for me,or rather how my companionship would be a ticket of happy life for Ilham.

How much effort it took for me to come terms with i how I had to marry a girl of such a young age.If it wasn't for Da I don't think anyone else could have convinced me.

when dadi came to me after talking to Ilham about our nikkah,I remember her tear stained face,even thought she had cried alot she was some what at peace,I couldn't understand the reason behind it when she entered my room,It was very astonishing finding her in my room in her condition and still finding her at ease was making me hopeful,at that time.

There were many reasons I had always wanted to marry for on the right time that I desired,and I always knew my marriage would be an arranged one,love was merely a word for me,the concept of how it was defined never interested me,with all my faults,I was connected with my roots, to my religion,todays definition of love wasn't in it's boundaries I was never gonna fall into an illgimate relationship.

The foundation of it in my religion was beautiful there's an Ayah in Quran where Allah says that marriage is one of my signs,

I once read somewhere Holy Prophet (s.a.w) said "There is no foundation that has been built more loved by Allah,than marriage."

I always wanted Da to choose me a wife,I never wanted anyone else to do that for me I never connected with anyone like I was connected with Da,No one knew me like Da.I wanted to ask him one day when I would have felt i was ready for such relationship,because with this also come a huge responsibility.

I was laying on my bed tired after attending many relatives that day who were coming to see Dadi,seeing Dadi I sat, She sat opposite me on the the bed.i remember how much I was trying to convince her to not do this to me and to Ilham but I don't know why she didn't want to let go of the idea that I was perfect for Ilham,

"Moosa my son I'm here to ask you something from you will you please give it to me,and I Don't know where else I could go"she was looking into my eyes.

"Absolutely Dadi why not,and why would you have to go to anyone when you have me."I knew in my heart she wasn't gonna ask for anything simple if she came in such a condition.

She smiled at my answer
"My child I know my end is near I can see it,"

"Please Dadi I hate it when you become so hopeless don't"

"Please Moosa let me finish,Moosa I need you to marry Ilham it's very difficult for me to leave her,without .

"What are you saying Dadi" I stood up interrupting, I was astonished of her wish.

"Without me she will be left alone Moosa please my son,knowing she has you in her life will make me happy please listen to your Dadi."

"No dadi please don't do this to us I'm not ready,and above all that she's just a child,how can I do that."

She had shocked me what she was asking me was something I couldn't give i knew,I didn't wanted a wife at that stage of life when I was a nobody.
So blatantly I disagreed no matter what I wasn't putting myself and another human being in a distress to take Dadi out of one.i couldn't destroy two lives.

"No Dadi please no don't ask me this,I won't be doing justice to myself and Ilham like that please." I told her what I genuinely felt.

"Moosa my child I'm not asking you to start a married life,just do nikkah and wedding could be done when you both are ready" she was pleading."please Moosa for my sake,for the sake of my peace do this".

"Dadi you are asking me to do this because of your love for Ilham,tell me how is it ok for me to marry her for your sake instead of mine, instead of my will,instead of me wanting her as my wife".I tried reasoning with her,she knew I was right.

"I asked Ilham she has agreed Moosa".
She tried assuring me.

"Because of you Dadi for your sake i guess, right,not mine,I won't do this,when I'm ready for a relationship I'll ask Dada to choose me a life partner I trust him more than anyone."I said with finality."So please Dadi let's stop it here".

"Moosa why don't you ask youe Da ask his opinion,he has always wanted same."

And she was right Da was all in favour for this he just didn't feel it was right time but he also told me how he knew Ilham she was perfect for me.

And how could I ever not listen to him above all people,him who brought me up until I went to U.K.I trusted him and committed to this relationship with everything
Without him I don't think I would have been confident enough to choose the path I wanted for myself,I became a person of my own,my own will and desicions.

And I really need to make sure Ilham knows what I want.