Belongs To An Insouciant

your acceptance

I lost Maa when I guess you need your Mom the most.There was no one left for me who I could go and share my secrets problem,anxieties too.

My father married again after 3 years of my Moms death,I knew he loved me and Mom alot in these three years he indulged himself in so much work it was as if he didn't wanted to come back home at all.Between his struggle of copping the loss he couldn't be there for me.

My grandma who was alive that time pressured him in to getting married again she wanted him to give another chance to happiness she I guess couldn't bear watching her son like that.And with second marriage and a son he had a new family,he barely had 5 minutes for me,I knew it wasn't intentional but it was what it became.And we never could be close like we were when my Maa was alive.
   
My grandmaa started trying to fill that empty space of female figure in my life.She tried everything to make me feel that I was not alone and I was loved.
     
After six years of my Maa's death my grandma's health also started deteriorating,I was almost sixteen that time,she thought she wouldn't survive this sickness,and leaving me behind was also very difficult for her,because of the loss I had already been through.She feared I'll be neglected my well being will be neglected,she wanted my future to be in safe hands,so she wanted me to get married to Moosa,Moosa was Maryums elder brother and my first cousin son of my father's elder brother.
He was apple of grandma's eyes.
     
  I was once a happy child and thought of happiness now was foreign to me,After Maa I almost turned an Introvert I guess.Getting attached to anyone was difficult for me.It was new place new people it was more difficult to make friends. Maryyum was only one who use to break my resolves and would talk to me try to make me have fun with her.
    
I couldn't stay in the shelter of my grandma's love for long.And I had to bear yet again the lose of another person I loved.I had to see one more important person dieing again.
   
Today today after more than 6 years my mind was playing the day my life was in another strom like a broken record.
   
February 2011

   It was two days before my grandma death when she was sitting in my room trying to convince me to marry her beloved grandchild,on that day too I was trying to prepare for some test.
She was holding my hand and felt how may wrinkles have come on her hands,how fragile she has become,It was like she aged years in one month.Her heart was weak.

"Ilham my child I'm not feeling well"she was struggling to get even a word out.I knew it was very difficult for her to reach my room.
"Can you  give me something".
"Yes Dadi what do you want,you should have called me,why did you come,what do you want me to give you?" what was  it that was so important for her that she wants she had to come to me in this condition.I really couldn't understand.

"My life my child,I want you to accept my decision of marrying you to Moosa" .

I was shocked I couldn't let one word out.I couldn't understand what she was saying.How was it possible for a 16 year old girl to get married to someone,How was it normal to think something like that.

"Ilham my child I know you are too young,you won't want to get married,you shouldn't be getting married in so young age,its very difficult for you.But my child I want to secure your future with someone I know is best for you.I've always wanted you and Moosa to get married when you grow up obviously if you have wanted to,but I feel I don't have much time left.Can you do that for me".
It was as I forgot how to talk.I wanted to say no I really did.

So i said "Dadi how,I mean how can I,you know what it means,it's very big thing,I won't be able to do it dadi I don't even know Moosa enough to marry him.And I don't think I can too."

Than I thought may be just may be if I agree she will not die,may be if I would give her this happiness she'll survive.I didn't wanted to lose her too.
You know the feeling when you want to hold even the last thread to save your loved ones.
"Ilham both you and Moosa are my life,both of you mean everything to me,and I know my grandson,he'll make you happy,i have no doubt on that trust me on this please,I want to see you have a secure future,you end up with a life partner you are worth of.I feel I won't die an easy death leaving you behind alone.Please Please my child make my end easy for me."she was crying,she was looking at me with so much hope.

There was only one thing circling my mind that may be this can save her,What if I didn't do this for her and she dies,I'll always live in guilt if I  won't do this for my dying Grandma.
So I just nodded and said small yes to her.

"Oh Thank you,thank you so much my child,you don't know how much happy you have made me,I wish this didn't have to be done this way.I'm so sorry my love ,please forgive your Dadi. " she said kissing on my forehead.

Yet my conscious was telling me no what the hell are you doing how will you face your husband and Allah,you're doing it for all the wrong intentions.And I cried so so much.Because how will I stand to pray even now it felt wrong so so wrong.

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So here's another chapter hope you people like it,if you don't understand something do ask,also please do tell what do you think of Ilham and Moosa