Belongs To An Insouciant

shouldn't have said it

Fatima Jahngir Hayat Khan (Moosa's mom)

"Jahngir please talk to Haider and Da ,I want Moosa to get married before he has to leave again. "

"Has this boy left me any right to ask this how will I face Haider and Ilham ,Fatima you do what you have to,I'm not asking anyone for anything for him now,I really want to give him a piece of mind in front of everyone."

"Please don't say that, you know him,he may be stubborn but he's very responsible and mature."

"How don't I say this he leaves when he wants,comes back when he wants and try to make claim on his wife.He called me yesterday and said don't send money to Ilham I'll do that from now on because she's my responsibility. How has that shameless boy's heart changed all of sudden and you say I shouldn't be enraged."

"Seriously he said that,Allahumdulliah,Jahngir this such a good news ,Oh Allah I'm so happy I thought he won't agree."

"I'll ask DA jaan for a date for wedding now ".

" Consider what Ilham wants now too,our son had his chance let our daughter have her chance now,don't pressurise her into anything, I believe she needs to understand this."Jahngir was right I need to make everything right but Ilham won't be willing to do so she has lost her trust I know that too.

"I won't Jahngir she is very sensitive I know. "

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Ilham

It's been few days since I have spoken back to Moosa,I've managed to stay away from him.I was afraid of him cornering me again . How he had me against the door he was so fearless how he did it,as if he wasn't doing anything wrong,I know he was trying to make a point that he has a right on me,he has a right to be that close to me that no other man has.
I could still feel his breath on my lips,and,I feel it has burned me.

He was defending himself he believes it was easy for me facing questioning eyes,I Hated attending any type of gatherings or weddings but whenever I had to I would see people staring at me pitifully.

No matter how much I try to accept this marriage my heart stops on even thought of it,what would I do if I risk my heart and fall apart. I can't add to my nightmares. When last week he cornered me that night I woke up trembling.

I keep remembering what Dada said when I went to him two days ago to tell him what Moosa said to me,

"Da you know I and Moosa had an disagreement, why is he trying to be my owner,please tell him to stay away from me and out of matters." It felt like I was talking to him after ages.
My days in hospital were mess after that day.
"Oh so that's the reason my grandson's sour mood,I mean more sour than his usual sour mood".he said smiling he was always like that trying to enlighten my head.
"What was the matter my child ".
"Do you know Da Moosa transfered 1 lac to my account.i went to ask him why did he do that he told me from now onwards he will take care of me.
Since when has he become responsible of me.He said he will take care of my necessities because I'm his responsibility."

"But he is right Ilham even though he realised it late atleast he has started."

"What Da so I should be thankful of his supreme generosity, I don't want him Da I told him if he has,started feeling he's obliged ,he should divorce me ."

"Ya Rab Ilham" Da stood up Ilham worries washed his face all of sudden.

"Ilham my child do you realise what you said ,and above that do you realise will he come after you ever if he truly started believing you are serious ,Ilham my child Moosa is a very proud boy he won't come behind someone who's constantly trying to free herself of him.What if you realise you don't want him to leave you Ilham would you go after him ."

"But Da he doesn't like me I don't like him what's the point of this relationship if both of us just feel an obligation towards  each other and we are on two different ends of the world emotionally. "

"Ilham my child he likes you I can see it ,he has accepted you as his wife from his heart,don't you realise how much Allah dislikes this deed,specially when you didn't even give him a chance to mend things."
"My child whatever his reason was of leaving,his intentions weren't bad".he said holding my hand sitting next to me again.

"Da I don't want to risk everything I have managed to get in life after losing it all already I have nothing left in me, apart from my only wish of becoming a doctor."I was holding my tears.

"Ilham I understand and if you know that I understand you ,I know Moosa too ,this time he's right,he has right to be angry ,divorce is a very big word Ilham I'm afraid now what must he do.i don't want this word attached to my daughters name ok please promise me you won't say this again please,not another soul should hear this Ilham it's a disrespectful thing to say to your husband ok".

"But Da. "

"No my child I want you to talk to Moosa get to know him what if you like him,and I know you will if you get to know him you will know he's a good boy."

I could understand where Da was coming from,his worries but how do I make my worries go away,how do I trust Moosa. Could I ever like him. He said I'll love him one day ,would he love me too some day.

I saw him coming up from stairs I stood up to leave,but he was already here he saw me and left to his room,he looked stressed and tired . I wanted to go ask him what's wrong it feels right thing to do so. I'm also worried how he gets so close.It intimidates me so much.What's with me these days why am I bothered. I want to leave him,I want to be free of everything. Than why?