1814

eleven

I turned around quickly and startled as a sort of reflex before coming face to face with a man. He looked the same age as me, but he had blue eyes and very dark hair. He was looking at me with a glass of wine in his hand and a very expensive suit. There seemed to be a few medals on the side - probably a show off, great!

"Yes, that's me. And you are?" I asked. "Sorry yes, Fitzwilliam. Daniel Fitzwilliam. I'm sorry if I startled you, it's just you're quite well known and I needed someone to talk to." He chuckled softly assuring me that he wasn't some sort of weird attacker.

"Infact Miss Haywood, would you like to dance?" He asked putting his glass of wine down on the nearest piece of furniture. I didn't know what to say back to him to be honest. If i said yes, everyone would be shocked considering i had just danced so well with James and i'd also been courting him for most of the season. I know this reason might sound a bit stupid, but... how would James feel? Embarrassed? He doesn't deserve that.

However, I must be a little bit selfish at times. When a man asks me to dance i will say yes, for myself.

"Of course Mr Fitzwilliam, i'd love to." I replied taking his hand before pulling him gently to the floor.

While we made our way i could feel eyes burning through my skin, we bowed and when i put my head up i saw James over Daniel's shoulder. He smiled, but then immediately looked away again as if it was too painful for him to watch. All before leaving the room in general.

I wasn't sure why i felt so unbelievabley guilty for doing this, but the dance started and before i knew it his hand was around my waist and he was pulling me arounf the dance floor. We weren't looking into each other's eyes and it wasn't at all romantic. It was clear he was shocked at my bad footwork and he was going to focus on that rather than me for the rest of the dance.

It wasn't like it was with James, and i was disappointed in myself for that. My heart rate didn't speed up, and my hand didn't fit perfectly in his. I had to keep going though - i had to keep pretending. Oh the irony...

When the dance finally ended, we bowed again. "Lovely Miss Haywood." He complimented while letting go of my hand.  "I'd like to promenade with you tomorrow, if that is ok?" He added. I didn't want to, infact i turned my head around swiftly to try and look for James as maybe a sign of hope and reliability, but i couldn't see him. I turned back around and tried to smile, "that would be wonderful, Mr Fitzwilliam." I replied with slightly sunken eyes.

I walked back to my mother, who could see the sadness i bore, and she returned it by her happy face fading away. I stood beside her and my eyes slowly welled up, blurring my vision. I couldn't let even a single tear roll down my cheek, but i didn't know how as they were getting heavier by the second. I felt a hand hold mine, it was my mothers. She was watching the dance ahead, yet somehow knew i was suffering and a little sign of comfort would help me feel better.

It felt like all the pain and anger i was feeling was passed through me and onto her, which i felt bad about but also relief as my tears slowly dried up. "It's going to be ok darling." She whispered, firming her grip on my hand. i felt so much security from her, that i held her hand a bit tighter aswell.

I left my mother and went outside to try and find James, he'd walked quite far out the front and on the lawn, but close enough so that i could see him.

"Hello stranger." i said softly to him. There was no response for a while, just silence like he was reflecting on smething big. "Miss haywood." he replied finally but still looking out, so i couldn't see his face. "Daniel is a fine man, you will do well together." he added slowly turning around to look at me. I stifled a laugh, "We danced once James, less than five minutes ago. i dont imagine any sort of future yet."  I said to him fidgeting with my hands and looking at the floor. "ahh yes, but you probably will Diana." he argued coming a bit closer to me. "Do i sense envy in your voice James?" I teased smiling. He laughed in response to my accusation and put a hand on my shoulder, "no you do not, I am simply wishing you well." he chuckled before taking his hand off again. We looked at each other again for a moment, drowning in each other's eyes and boy does it take alot of force for us to stop.

When we eventaully did, he walked past me and i took a deep breath out. One that i seemed to have been holding in for a while. I couldn't make out the sadness i saw in James's eyes, and i wanted to know what it was so desperately. He said he didn't envy the dance i shared with Daniel, but was he lying?  No. He couldn't have been lying, because he's in love with Letitia and that's why this whole thing started anyway. But what if he caught feelings? Oh for god's sake get over yourself Diana.

And in that moment i knew, that the unfamiliar feeling i possessed for James didn't matter. None of it did, and it never would. Daniel may not be the most charming person or one that i was willing to marry. But he was clearly wealthy and i knew he'd be kind to me, i think so anyway. James will happily marry Letitia, and if i kept on courting Daniel who knows? Maybe we could be happy aswell. Just like James will be. With Letitia. Together.

DIANA SERIOUSLY GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ARSE AND SHUT UP!

I scremed at myself internally. I really needed to let it go and just move on in general. In fact, i slapped myself on the arm because i was so fed up.

"Bloody hell Diana, what did you do?" I immediately knew it was Francis behind me. He wore his hat and was putting on his gloves. It had seemed he'd come to collect me because when i looked behind hi, my family were all getting in carriages.

"Francis! I just- I-" I stuttered trying to figure out what to tell him, thankfully he waited patiently for my answer, but to be honest i think that he just liked the thought of me struggling. "I was frustrated at myself for something that's all. Feeling something to be precise." i manged to conjure up. I didn't exactly lie, but i wasn't going to tell him the truth obviously.

He came closer to me and put a shawl over my shoulders, it was a very windy and cold night. i put my hands around his arm and got closer to him for warmth before we started walking back towards our family.

"I hope you don't possess any feeling for Daniel Fitzwilliam." He said his name in a mocking way to show that he clearly didn't like him. "No, not Daniel, but why not?" i asked confused at his tone. "No reason in particular, but he's just... not the greatest of people." He replied clearly concealing the truth from me. I gave up though, i couldn't really care less to be honest. "It doesn't matter. But it any case, whatever feeling that you are angry at yourself for...don't be. People have emotion for a reason Diana, if anything it's your heart trying to tell you something. Just be warey of that." He added. I didn't know Francis was so good at giving advice, perhaps he's talking from experience.

"Have you ever been in love francis?" I asked, genuinely intrigued. He laughed and looked at me expecting me to say it was a joke. There was silence between us before he finally decided to speak again. "Yes, but that was a very long time ago, and it's not like we could have gotten married anyway." He told me. That all sounded very familiar to me. "If you were in love with her, how did you let her go?" I asked again. He scrunched his nose slightly while shaking his head a  bit too. He stared forward llike he was deep in thought. "I had tp, for both of our sakes." He replied finally turning this daydream into a smile.

When we finally caught up with my family I left Francis's side and sat down next to Matilda. She looked up at me. "I like James." She beamed before facing forward again. My eyes widened a bit more and i looked out the small window on the side of our carriage.

"Me too." i muttered to myself.