1814

fourteen

I couldn't believe what I had done. What WE had done. Oh god. Realisation had hit me and i knew that this couldn't go on. It was never part of the plan and to screw that all up now, after everything? i just couldn't let that happen.

I jumped out of the way and faced him. "We shouldn't have done that James." I spoke trying to fix my hair. "really?" He replied, clearly taken back by my response to our moment. "really. We weren't thinking straight and can't risk this kiss ever getting out." I said starting ot walk away. He ran and caught up with me, taking my hand and turning me back around to face him he said "Diana i kissed you because i wanted to, not because my judgement was clouded." He argued.

I paused for a moment, as i had to think about my response. I wanted to kiss James when i did, i wanted to kiss James since the minute i saw him, but what was ever going to happen between us? What, we were going to get married and live happily ever after? We hardly know each other! And yes, before you object, i would have to marry him. I'm not prepared to have to keep it a secret from everyone nor am i prepared to be a secret to him. However, knowing James, he wasn't going to give up until i admitted that it wasn't a mistake, so i had to be brutal.

"Well mine was. very, very clouded.I kissed you because you were there, and i didn't want to have to pursue anything with Fitzwilliam. I'm very sorry you no longer possess the love you once bore for Miss Montgomery, but that does not mean that i feel the same way about you. You don't know me your grace, you pretended to and that's all i ever wanted from you." I said in a stern tone trying to hide the quiver in my voice and my eyes that were slowly welling up and walking away. I heard him yelling "Miss Haywood!" from behind me, and as much as i wanted to turn around, i knew i couldn't. I couldn't see the hurt and potential regret in his eyes, as i know that i had none of that.

I wanted to go back home as soon as possible, when i went inside i stood at the door frame so nobody could see my crying eyes. Fortunately Francis turned around and as soon as he saw me he rushed over. "Diana? What's happened?" He asked, placing his hands on my arm. I lightly collapsed into him. "I wish to go home Francis. Now." I told him, holding on. "Of course, make you're way to our carriage and i'll get all the others." He replied helping me to regain composure.

I knew i could rely on all of my brothers to be there for me. Any one of them would have done the same, i'm just glad Francis turned around and i didn't have to find away to grab their attention. When i turned back around again and went outside, i bumped into James. I couldn't say anything to him i just looked at him and tried to hide all the guilt flooding my eyes. I couldn't read him, his face was stern and stone cold. It's like he hadn't been affected at all. "Excuse me" He said, followed by him abruptly leaving. I followed him with my eyes all the way in, as he joined a group of people and startedto laugh and drink. Immediately women walked over to him and started talking, only he endured it and didn't turn back around once. I don't blame him after my coldness, but i didn't exactly have a choice. I didn't even care what i looked like, and i didn't want to start. Probably a hot mess.

I gave up on waiting for him to turn around and hopelessly stepped into the carriage waiting for the rest of my family.

James's POV: just after Diana had walked away:

I didn't understand. I had never seen Diana so cold before, apart from our argument on the bridge, but that was understandable. This? After the moment we had just shared? I couldn't believe it, especially as i felt so strongly for her. I finally shows her how i'd felt and she brushed it off. i didn't know whether i believed her little monologue but i was too distraught to care. For the first time ever, i think i was well and truly heartbroken. I stood there, mouth slightly agape and holding my heart, thinking about her and her tone. As sad and confused i was, i was also angry at her. Clearly she didn't invison the future i did with her, so i decided that i needed to move on.

The only way i could really do that, without much difficutly, was to just avoid her as much as possible. Though i constantly doubted my plan considering she occupied my thoughts day and night. The only thing i could do was try to ingore her and regain the feelings i had for Letitia. The woman i'd done all of this for in the first place. The woman who saved me and looked after me through everything, and just thinking about it helped me regain the smile i had before. With that slightly more positive though in my mind, i decided to go back inside and enjoy the rest of my evening. Hopefully drinking away any thoughts i possessed of Miss Haywood. That's what i would call her now, Miss Haywood. In honesty, i was only returning the feeling.

But alas, as soon as i find myself almost reaching the the inside of the house, i bump into her.

She was...crying? The area around her eyes had become slightly swollen and red. In her eyes i saw a great deal of sadness, though i could only ignore it. I excused myself and walked staright past myself trying to keep loyal to the decision i had made not too long ago. I felt her eyes follow me, piercing through my back.I wanted to turn around and run to her, run to her and comfort her, but something was holding me back. Of course it wasn't my gut, but maybe my dignity...or my head? Something was telling me that it was better for both of us to stay away from each other and keep our distance.

As vein as it sounded the last thing i wanted were ladies coming over to me to try and either get me to bed or wed them. However, Miss Haywood was brutal with me so i was going to be brutal back. I endured them ans started laughing and drinking, and with that i finally felt relief from being watched. i quickly turned back around to check, and it turned out that i was right. She and i had both lost all hope for the two of us, and that was just going to have to be the way it was from now on. It's a shame because Diana taught me alot, and i valued her frienship more than anything really. Luckily she had lasted me until the end of the season, so now i could find Letitia and we could run away. i would live the original life i had planned from myself.

The better one.

Diana's POV:

When we'd finally arrived home, i think my family had finally gotten the message that i didn't really feel like talking, so they let me just retire to my room to think and eventually fall asleep.

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A/N: I'm so sorry i haven't posted in ages! I've just been very busy with school at the moment, but i hope you've enjoyed this chapter and tell me what you thought about it in the comments!! <3