1814

twenty three

two hours later...

I sat on the edge of our bed in silence, awaiting his response to my journey from the 21st century. The fire cackled and the candles stay lit as he pondered his thoughts on the armchair in the corner of our room. His elbows rested on his knees and his face rested on his intertwined knuckles with a perplexed expression plastered on it.

Finally he looked up at me, although nothing else of his body language had changed. I didn't realise how guilty I looked, but I was just so nervous for what he was going to say next. Whether it would be aggressive or sympathetic, I was to the point of playing out worst scenarios in my head.

It looked like he was going to say something for a moment, but then his mouth quickly closed again. A few seconds later, it opened again and this time words came out of it, "Diana, I have found myself in a state where I am honestly lost for words." he told me, rubbing his forehead from frustration. I felt my eyes fill with tears, and my vision started to blur. "you were never going to tell me, were you?" he asked, looking me directly in the eyes so that he could get an honest answer out of me for once.

I sighed and felt a single tear fall down my cheek, "no, no I was not going to tell you." I replied, wiping it off. He immediately got up and turned to face the fire, resting his hand on the mantlepiece that sat above it. "do you think ill of me?", I whimpered from behind him, sniffling my nose.

"yes Diana, I think ill of you. I will ask Herbert to make up another chamber where I will sleep." he announced, now pacing. I didn't feel angry that he was mad at me, it was fair enough. I should have realised that I could trust him with my secret, and he wouldn't have told a soul. However I didn't, and now I must pay the price, but I wasn't going to go down without a fight.

"darling please talk to me." I rested my hand on his back, but he flinched when I did so. "I need to have my own time and space to think about everything, and you must let me if you want this marriage to succeed." he replied, leaving the room in a hurry.

I hated myself, more than I ever had before. We were both finally happy and content in each other's company and now I'd gone and screwed it up again. I would have chased after him, but I realised I needed to respect his boundaries and let him be. He's overwhelmed and I'm sure we'll be able to discuss the matter in more detail tomorrow.

Bollocks.

I've really fucked up, and I don't know if we'll ever come back from it. I broke down on the floor and put my hand over my mouth so that no one would be able to hear my cries. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the thought of losing James daunted on me and I felt myself only being deprived of more and more oxygen. I needed him to burst through the door and hold me so I could be re assured that everything was going to be ok. I leaned up against my bed and put my arms around the back of my head so I could breathe better, but even then, my tears outweighed my breath. Eventually I gathered up enough strength to pull myself onto my bed and fall asleep feeling cold without him by my side.

I wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling. I wanted to know what his plans for our future were, if there were any. I needed to be inside his head, the need to just know so that I could prepare myself for the worst case scenario. Though I was unsure of what that would be. Him leaving me alone and being happy with someone else, or him staying with me and wishing he was with someone else. The intrusive thoughts felt like they were slowly taking over my body and i was sure I'd hit my lowest. I was itching to understand his feelings, and consume them so any hurt he currently felt was on me.