Breath Of The Wilderness

Chapter 15: No Tears Left To Cry

Disclaimer - I do not own PJO or HOO

We reached the halfway mark!! 16 more chapters to go-

okay, this chapter became way more angsty then I expected it to be. but I mean from the chapter title, you could probably tell... this chapter is a little deeper than I intended it to be. It was supposed to have more fluff and lightness to it.

for the first scene (from the start to the second divider):

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, panic attack

Please, please, please, do not read if you get triggered by any of those things. i love every one of you and please take care of yourself 33

- Kathy

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More time than El could count, she found herself staring at the ceiling in the Mansion of Night, letting her power flow through her and just succumb to the darkness. Closed her eyes and pictured her home far away, pictured the life she used to have before the war began.

It had taken more from her than El would admit, it had left a permanent scar on her that she often hid underneath long sleeves and baggy clothes. Often she wondered about the purpose of life, the purpose of it all. So when she was given a chance to change everything and get her family back, she didn't hesitate to take the shot. There was a chance, wasn't there? As impossible as it seems proven by the last war, there was a possibility in the chance she was given.

Sometimes, she could breathe, swim up to the surface and take in the breath of freedom. But more often than not, El felt as if she's suffocating. Diving back into the water made her feel a different sense of relief, and sometimes she would hold her breath until her lungs burned and screamed for her to do something, anything. But that inhale of breath made the water fill her lungs and the shadows would push her out again, forcing her to take a breath.

Submerged in a sea of darkness, blindly searching around for her life. The cold water touched her skin and it sent goosebumps down her skin. But there's a certain familiarity to the chilly feel of the shadows. They understood her, they understood grief. They know the war she's fighting within herself to not pick up a blade, fighting the urge to feel something, anything. Because numbness is harder than pain. She wanted to feel the thrill of being alive, she's alive.

But no matter what she'd done, the numbness was still there. Even now, deep within the depth of her own mind and surrounded by the familiar shadows, she couldn't feel anything. Because Athena doesn't remember her. Her brother doesn't remember her. No one in this world knew her. It was... a different sort of loneliness.

El could see them, could interact with them, but they wouldn't know who she is, wouldn't be able to interact with her in a way her Athena would be able to. The way her brother would be able to. She missed her mom's warm hug, her dad's awful dad jokes. She never knew how much she would miss them until they're gone. She missed her brother's warm hug, her sister's teasing remarks. Hell, she missed her sister-in-law, and they more often bickered than agreed.

The trauma of the war was still there. Tons of friends lost. So many lives wasted. And for nothing. El gritted her teeths as she squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped her arms tightly around herself in a weak attempt of comfort, seeking for the warmth only Athena could provide.

And a part of her brain reminded her that she could still find Athena, the Athena in this world. The shadows wrapped around her, they knew her, they could feel her, and they dragged her to the place her heart most desired.