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The next two weeks were spent ditching school and working late nights at the bookstore. The nights had continued to grow colder and darker everything seemed bleak. I hadn't talked to anyone in days. I felt isolated from everyone else. The worst part of all of it was knowing that I was doing it to myself.
Finn had left town to visit his brother a week prior which left me alone in an empty house most nights. My Mom and Mr.Wolfhard never seemed to be home . They had begun picking up extra shifts at the hospital for whatever reason I did not care enough to question.
Deciding to open the store early instead of attending school seemed like a better way to spend the day. I turn the corner to see two figures standing by the wooden door. As I approached the sound of my wheels catch their attention turning to look at me I instantly recognized Carmen's dark waves and Scout's pale features.
I hop off my bike and roll it beside me. She runs towards me wrapping her arms around me tightly as she whispers incoherent words into my shoulder. I use my free arm to hug her back. My wandering eyes timidly land on Scout's he slowly walks over and puts his arms around us.
"Oh, Lana," He sighs before releasing me. I instantly felt embarrassed for my appearance. My hair had been tied up in a tangled, greasy ponytail and I was wearing a bleach stained band tee shirt with a thin sweatshirt.
I shrug Carmen off gently. I didn't need this today I didn't want to be pitied. Starting to walk away Scout puts his hand out and grasps my arm.
"Please," He whispered softly. His breath condensing into a small white cloud that quickly disappeared.
They follow close behind me waiting for me to say something.
"You haven't been to school, we were worried, Lana." Carmen's tone was sincere. I turn to look at them with a stiff smile.
"I'm fine guys. I've just been busy."
They don't question me any further and for a second I thought they'd take my word for it and leave. I wanted more than anything to tell them how I was really feeling, but my pride stood in the way. Fidgeting with my keys I turn to look at them again.
My eyes land on Scout's. He had bags under his eyes but he still looked good. He has this sort of effortless beauty I oddly envied.
"So umm, there's this sort of party thing later tonight. We were hoping you'd come with. We really miss you. " Carmen speaks awkwardly breaking our gaze.
I clear my throat and look down. I missed them too but I didn't feel comfortable reinserting myself. Our friendship would never be the same not after what I had done to Scout. Plus I didn't want him to feel pressured to be around me.
Though Carmen's batting eyelashes and begging makes me give in. It became very clear that none of us were going to school so we decide to head back to my house.
I sit in the back of Scout's car recalling the last time I was in it. A part of me wishes that night never happened, wishes things were as they were before but that is me being selfish once more.
Carmen and I step out of the car and begin to walk up the driveway. I stop in realization that Scout isn't behind us. He was sitting on the hood of his car fumbling with a lighter in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I look over at Carmen in confusion but she shrugs in response.
"He's been smoking for months Lana." She mumbles not looking at me.
"I hadn't noticed," I respond shortly.
"That's the point."
Guilt begins to take over again. Carmen had never commented on Scout and I's relationship that showed her disapproval, but I understood. I messed up I really did.
We continue on and I lead her up to my room. When I open the door a small gasp escapes her mouth. I had never processed what a mess my room was. It looked as if my wardrobe had exploded in my room.
Carmen notes my embarrassment and grasps my hand.
"Here I'll tidy up here and you take a warm shower," She instructs. I nod and make my way to the bathroom.
Before I shut the door she holds the door open and says, "It's ok. You're going to be ok." She kisses my cheek and gently shuts the door.
I stand there for a moment letting her words sink in. I quickly strip my clothes and step into the steam filled bathtub. My shoulder leans on the cold tiles as the hot water stings my back.
Carmen was rearranging the things on top of my dresser and Scout was making my bed. My hand clutches the towel that covers my body as the cold water from my dripping hair rolls down my back.
His cheeks grow red once his eyes land on me.
"We'll wait for you downstairs,"Carmen says dragging Scout out with her.
I get dressed swiftly not wanting them to wait too long. I grab one of Finn's knitted sweaters from the back of my closet and walk downstairs.
Scout stood up off the couch as I approached the bottom of the stairs. Carmen was nowhere in site. I began to feel a bit of panic at the thought of Scout and I alone. Facing him overwhelmed me. But I was just afraid of facing the reality that maybe I was the problem. I mean two relationships ruined and I the culprit.
"Carmen had to run to school. Some cheer thing, I think," He explains awkwardly.
It had been thirty minutes of small talk sitting on my bed listening to music. Neither of us wanting to acknowledge what had occured between us. I knew he was only here because he felt bad for me but I still enjoyed his presence.
"Why are you wearing that?" He asks while flipping through a case of CDs. I look down at my clothes in confusion. Was it that bad? It was pretty comfortable.
" Um, I don't know. I just picked the first thing I found. Maybe I could have gone with different jeans." I explain feeling self conscious. It felt pretty harsh.
"I mean my sweater." He looks up. There it was again those sad eyes that were becoming all too familiar.
My eyes go wide as realization strikes. Was I really that oblivious? The guilt was eating away at me. I truly felt like a horrible person. I go to take it off but he shakes his head.
"No, it's fine. It was never my favorite either way."
