𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ⇾𝘴𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘬

TEN :

⠠⠄⡐⠠⠁⠄✰☽⡐⠁⠠⡐⠄⠄

I woke up with that familiar sinking feeling in my chest. It seemed like a switch within me that would randomly turn on triggering an overwhelming sadness or emptiness. There was nothing I could do about it other then just feel it.

Sadie tossed and turned in her sleep occasionally throwing her arms over me. It was usually comforting being in her arms, but it only made me restless in this moment. I peel myself out of her arms and tip toe away trying not to wake her. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Finn curled into a ball, shivering. It was colder than usual this morning granted it was only 5 am. I tucked him into my blanket and made my way downstairs.

I aimlessly wander into the kitchen slightly startled when I catch my mom staring out the kitchen window.

"Good morning." I nearly whisper.

She turned quickly having the same reaction I'd had to her. She was wearing her scrubs and her hair was in a ponytail, she was about to leave for work.

"Are you hungry?" It didn't feel like a question so I took a seat at the table. She quietly prepared something her back facing me the entire time.

After a couple of minutes, she place a bowl in front of me with oatmeal and blueberries. It felt as if I was watching an old, distorted memory of our old life an incredibly bittersweet moment. Before leaving she planted a kiss on my head. "love you the most." I called out as she walked away.

There was no response.

I ate while looking out the big sliding doors . The sky looked grey and the trees were bare.

"What are you doing?" Sadie's voice echoed throughout the empty room. I knew it was her voice despite the grogginess. My eyes fluttered up to look at her with a smile, however I did not get one in return. She took the seat beside me and laid her head on the table. I rested my forehead on her shoulder tears had pooled in my eyes despite my efforts to hold them back they rolled down my cheeks. Sadie remained still, allowing me keep my head down letting her presence alone comfort me which I greatly appreciated. I had grown use to my mom's harsh rejections, but it never seemed to soften the blow.

"Do you think you'll change your mind about me?" I let out a sigh trying my best to compose myself.

"No." She responded simply. There was no hesitation in her voice. My lips parted once more in relief. A big part of me believed that letting her see me like this would drive her away.

I watched the digital clock beside my bed hit 6 am feeling my eyes grow heavy. Sadie had gone home. My eyes finally remained shut and everything felt quiet, except a few seconds later I felt slight tugs on my hair. I opened one eye at a time to see Finn sitting up beside me staring at me with a stupid smile.

"It's 4 pm." He whispers.

I shot up and look over at my clock. It was 4:15 pm. I felt like I had only closed my eyes for a few seconds. Finn still stood over my bed looking down at me in slight concern. He was wearing nice jeans, a knitted sweater, with a coat. I stared at him in confusion.

"My dad called, family dinner today at 5. We're probably getting in trouble." He explained and then threw himself back onto my bed landing on my legs.

I kicked him off as his weight crushed me. It was beginning to seem as if he no longer had his own room because he was always in mine.

"You haven't been home. Maybe it's about the wedding." I leave my bed walked. My body wanted to remain in my bed, but I had already slept the entire day. Looking over at Finn's clothes once more I took out a short black dress with a dark green coat from my closet.

I looked at myself in the mirror my eyes hovering over my bare legs noticing small bruises, from carrying Finn up the stairs, forming. My outfit was not ideal for the weather, but we always had to dress up for family outings.

"Are you going to do your makeup?" Finn looks at me through the mirror. I did look a bit tired and I couldn't take a rude remark today. I nodded my head as a silent response.

"Can I do it?" He asks sheepishly. I was a bit surprise at both his question and tone so I turned to look at him.

"Are you tricking me?" I would not put it past him to mess with me and make me look like a clown.

"No, I use to watch Sadie do it." I agree and carry over the little makeup I owned.

His wrist rested heavily on my cheek. While sitting there in silence I stared at Finn in deep concentration. A lingering thought in my head since the day he had found out about Sadie and me, was what made him stay with Sadie knowing she had feelings for me. I initially thought it was the same reason Scout had stayed with me, but it seemed unlikely due to the fact that he was so unfazed.

Another curiosity that remained persistent in my mind was what their relationship was really like. I had only caught glimpses of the bad. It was evident that Sadie loved him if she was able to forgive and forget of the hardships between them. I wondered if she could do the same for me one day if it came down to it.

My curiosity got the best of me and I allowed myself to ask him out loud rather than in my head. I didn't feel like I had to hold back around him for the first in a long time I had found someone who seemed so permanent. People seemed to come and go and I understood that people couldn't always be around, yet it seemed like they didn't need me anymore when I had nothing left to give. Finn on the other had gained nothing from our friendship. Yes, our parents were getting married meaning we had no other choice than to get along, but he took care of me. I felt loved in the same way that my Grandma would read to me or would sit with me on the porch swing.

"What do you think about Sadie and I?"

My question stunned him for a second, but he responded, "Well, I think you guys are great. Both of you seem really happy." He had stopped doing what my makeup to look me in the eye.

I nodded my head hoping he would elaborate. It was not exactly the response I was looking for.

"I was in a really weird place when we were together, which is not an excuse, but at the time I thought that being with Sadie would sort of to prove that I could like have something good. She made me feel less alone and I wanted to show that I could do the same for her. But it wasn't right for either of us. She thought she wanted me... I'm not sure if that makes sense. " Finn finished his explanation.

I understood exactly what he was trying to say.

"It does." I paused. "Can I tell you something?"

"I feel like i've gained so much this past year and yet something keeps me from being happy. I feel stuck. It's a matter of time before I ruin everything, I just know it" Saying it outloud to him struck a bit of fear in me. I was finally admitting that I wasn't ok.

"My mom had depression." His gaze no longer was on me but on the makeup sprawled on my bed. His hands were trembling a bit we never really spoke about his mom.

Was that what it was?

I was afraid to speak again so I scooted closer to him as a small gesture so he'd know I was listening. There was a short, heavy silence before he spoke again.

"She was always sad or extremely happy I never really knew what to expect. My Dad tried to help her- I tried to help her. I was really young and I kinda felt like I wasn't doing enough. " He goes quiet once more. "But, I know what to do now and I can help." His teary eyes met mine and I felt my heart ache.

I shake my head and bring him close to me resting my cheek on the top of his head. It all made sense now how he would constantly take care of me, helped me to bed when I could physically bring myself to it. I couldn't do that to him make him feel like the pressure of my well being rested on his back. My hand rubbed his back in a comforting manner, "I could never make you bear that weight, Finn."

That was the last thing said in our eye opening conversation. It was not often that he told me how he was feeling or entrusted me with such personal stories.