Feathers Of A Bird

Chapter : Eleven (Part Four)

(Listen to the music while reading for a better experience!)

"Okay so, Ryan has this bright, beautiful personality and future. He is caring, generous, smart, affectionate, passionate, calm, ambitious, delightful, humorous, attractive, respectful et Cetera et cetera. I can describe him all day. He's, in one word, perfect...even though I know that perfection doesn't exist, I'll call him perfect."

"But that's, not the main point...the main point is ME. I'm a broken teenager, who has lost everyone she loved in different, miserable ways. She doesn't have her dad, her sister died, she lost her best friends and her mom is like some distant relative. Who has this dream to be an author but no one seems to be interested in reading her writings...except Ryan...which is not the main point either. The main point is me...a weirdly quiet girl who has no self-confidence, who can't speak up for herself, who is no good at making and keeping friends; a girl who is boring, moody, impatient, unhappy. Well, I can't describe myself all day, because I don't think I even know myself. NOW how am I supposed to match well with Ryan?"

"Cat, are you alright?"
Ryan asked after a while.

"Uh-huh! Just lost in thoughts."
I replied.

Andrew asked,
"What were you thinking do deeply?!"

"Nothing special."

"Nope! You gotta tell me!"

"Yeah, I just told you, Andrew. Nothing special!"

"No, you have to tell me what you were thinking a moment ago!"
He grabbed my hand, which was NOT pleasant like it was when Ryan held it.

I tried to let go, but his grip was strong.

Ryan straight away grabbed his wrist and kind of aggressively put it away.
"What is happening, Andrew? If she isn't willing to tell you, why are you forcing her? It could be something personal or something she doesn't wanna share."

"Uhm, well yeah!"
He looked at me as he said.
"I'm sorry, Kathy. I was just trying to be, like, friendlier and more comfortable with y'all!"
Then he looked at Ryan.
"Sorry, dude! And why did you get so aggressive, huh?"
He laughed playfully.

Ryan stayed with his calm attitude.

"So yeah! What we were discussing- how two different people are not supposed to be together."
Andrew said.

"And I told you, with examples, how thinking what you're thinking is a total waste of time."
Ryan answered.

"I can show some more logics"

"I can show some more alternative-logics."

"I can get up and walk away inside of the cottage."
I stopped them.
"And if you both don't stop, I'll do that for sure."

"Oops! That won't be fun. Alright, we're stopping."
Ryan laughed.

Andrew said,
"Well, I don't think you can stop two people discussing when they want to discuss. I think it's something you can't do. And you should not do what you can't do. Just like physically autistic people shouldn't try to use their body."
Andrew said and shrugged his shoulders again.
"So yeah! My point is, you're incapable of doing some things, Kathy. So don't try to do them."

He smiled as if he said something great which helped me so much.
But no, it didn't help me. It smashed my broken existence into additional portions.

"Andrew."
Ryan said, and it was the first time I heard rage in his voice.
"I think that's enough KIND words for you to split out on her. You may stop right now."