Dust to Dust

21

"Dammit, I just don't know, Jen! It's like he was trying to piss me off! And you know he's good at reading people!"

"I know! Asher is unashamed of pretty much everything. You asked him what happened, and he told you."

"But it sounded like he was trying to get to you!"

"We aren't getting anywhere, Jasper. I'm trying to help you talk to people, and you just can't cooperate!"

"But what if I'm right? What if he's a creep and wants to-"

"I'm telling you he won't! And if he ever did, you know I would tell you!"

Getting Jasper to communicate with Asher was... not going well. He was refusing to admit he was wrong with anything, unlike before, and didn't want to face the guy ever again, according to his arguments at least. Jenny must have explained to him a thousand times that he was sick, and needed help, but he just wouldn't listen, saying that was no excuse to be a creep and get into someone else's boundaries. Jenny had stopped caring as long as it wouldn't happen again, and the fact that Jasper would even bring this up after he had been so possessive was pissing her off.

"I'm just trying to help you. Please let me!" she was so desperate to get through to him. Jasper just wasn't himself anymore. She hadn't seen him relaxed once since the fight. It was like he was a completely different person. And she practically hated this new Jasper.

"I can't. I have a terrible gut feeling that something awful is going to happen. I just wish you would keep your distance. I don't want to be controlling, but I really think it's for the best. I'm just looking out for you, Jen. You know I-"

"So you want me to cut someone off because of a gut feeling?"

"And solid evidence! Hell, when I found you that day, I should have told you to run. Dragging you into this mess was a mistake. I'm sorry."

Jenny gave him a fiery glare. "Don't even. You're talking like he's planning to kill me!"

"What if he is? What about Delilah, he won't talk about what happened to her! If the same thing happened to you, I would lose my fucking mind! Jen I-"

"Shut up! Charlotte told me he had nothing to do with it. You wanna talk about gut feelings, here's mine! She's the sweetest fucking person here, and I trust her! There's no major evidence that Asher was responsible for Delilah, and you know it! But there's a lot pointing at suicide. I told you about the bite mark and the blood spills. Why are you pinning everything on him?"

"Because I'm scared of him, alright?!" he was literally shouting now, burying his face in his hands, fingers trembling. He wasn't even this angry during the fight. What happened to him?

"No offense, Jen. But trusting Charlotte is a mistake. She's practically his slave. I don't know if you've noticed, but Asher has a pretty active private life. He's hiding something. And if anything, he murdered Delilah. The adherents are doing everything to hide it. You know I'm right. And if you don't, you're just plain stupid."

That was it. Jenny grabbed him by the hair and forced his eyes up to look at her. "I'm not fucking stupid. I've thought so much through, like you wouldn't even believe. You think I haven't thought about this? Thought about why Delilah was fucking dead? Do you even know how hard it is to lose person after person? I'm losing you too, because you're a fucking idiot, Jasper! You haven't considered my thought in this for two fucking seconds!" she tried her best not to, but tears were creeping up behind her eyes, and her voice was shaking. Jasper noticed that, and the look on his face was screaming that he fucked up.

"I thought coming here would help me escape all that death! But instead I had to find an innocent girl lying on the ground with her stomach ripped out! And I don't want to blame it on anyone else, I just want to live, goddammit! Is that so hard? God why did this have to happen... I'm so fucking tired... I should have died in the riots with my family, then I wouldn't have to go through all this fucking pain!" she fell on her knees to the floor and covered her mouth, eyes starting to drip. "I want to die. I want this to be over. I'm done. I've been in denial this whole time, but I'm in too much pain. I don't think I can do this for much longer."

She had been pushing everything aside. All her issues were in the back of her mind waiting to burst back out when she finally stopped pretending everything was alright. When she finally thought things were going to get better, it just added more stress. Leaving wouldn't do anything either, she would either end up alone or killed by some overly cautious people. This was the most peace she was going to get, and someone had already died. If it was her instead, Delilah would still be here, giving all the comfort she could to the people she called her friends, and everyone probably would have moved on by now.

The familiar action of a hand brushing her hair over her ear was felt. She opened her eyes and saw the horrified look on Jasper's face.

If Asher was really so confident that he loved her, this was all the proof she needed. Hearing that she was ready to die had just destroyed him. He didn't know what to say. He could only watch, and do absolutely nothing. Jenny stared into his eyes and her heart throbbed. She felt his pain, and it hurt like a bitch.

"Please... never say that again. Ever. And not just because it hurts me, but for your sake. Jenny, I love you. So stop it. I'm so sorry I can't be of more help. I wish I could do more, but I don't know how. You're right. I am an idiot. I'm clingy and only focus on myself. You're right. Because you're smart. You always have been. I'm just making arguments because I can't let you go. So you have to keep going. I know life sucks. Trust me I know. But it's worth living, isn't it? I met you, didn't I? That means something."

She went from feeling lost to awful with just that. She knew Jasper was suffering, but not this bad. Did he really think so lowly of himself? Because he sure didn't show it until now. How had she not thought about this? That whole cocky attitude deal was just to hide how much he was suffering. Something had ruined him, bad.

"Jasper..." she couldn't find the right words, he had just poured his heart out to her. Never in a thousand years would she think someone would do that to her. He trusted her so much, maybe more than anyone. He clearly hadn't shown this side of himself to anyone else.

"No. You don't have to say anything. I fucked up yet again. I'm just not enough, and as pitiful as that sounds, it's true. I never have been. I'm really selfish, Jen. I just wanted you all to myself. But I have to let you live. With or without me."

Jenny had had enough and threw her arms around him, looking over his shoulder. If he didn't shut up now, he never would. All this self doubt was pissing her off, especially from him. Jasper was a good person, whether he believed it or not. He just needed support, that was all. And while she wasn't a therapist, she would have to do. He was lying. Jasper was not a selfish guy. He stuck with her for two days straight, never leaving her side after Delilah died, and that was all for her sake, not his. He was worried about her safety, he just took it out the wrong way, which needed to be fixed. And she wanted to help. More than anything.

"Jen-"

"Stop. Just shut up. You're gonna be okay."

Something about those words struck Jasper like lightning. He swallowed thickly, clearly about to lose it, even though Jenny couldn't see his face. She held him tighter, feeling how tense he was.

"You're gonna be okay. I'm here. I've got you."

And all those bottled up emotions came bursting out.