Dust to Dust

31

Warning : This chapter has a few descriptions of past suicidal thoughts and self-harm scars

It was three days before the ritual. The fact that she needed to do it with Asher, not to mention in a literal church was starting to settle. As long as there would be no after effect, which had been confirmed by Charlotte, it didn't seem like a big deal. They would just get it over with and then it would all be over. There would be no more death. She would take Asher's place and hopefully, peace would be arranged. It would just take a lot of explanation as to why Asher was dead on a cross. If they believed her, they would live. If not, they would die, assuming they would want to leave. That was a huge thing to be responsible for. She could come up with a cover story, but that would feel incredibly wrong. Even so, it was better than people dying because of a misunderstanding.

The whole situation was incredibly nerve wracking, but she was trying her best to keep cool until the night came. Even then, panic would be difficult to avoid. What was even worse, she had almost nobody to talk to about it. Charlotte was there, but she didn't want to be bothering her too much, since she was obviously struggling. It was like killing a mother's child and just getting away with it. But she had to do this for everyone else's sake, and if it was what he really wanted. She had been thinking about it all day, and wasn't able to go back to the cabin. Eren would worry, and ask questions that she couldn't answer. She had grabbed a spare blanket from her bed and was sitting in front of the fire pit. It was peaceful outside, better than a cramped up cabin with other people. Just being alone helped sometimes, even if she had so much she wanted to get off her chest.

There was no fire lit, just a chill from the night. Jenny gripped her arm tightly with her other hand, as a way to blow off a bit of steam. She was shivering a bit, not because of the cold, but from the thoughts swarming through her mind. She was telling herself she felt fine, but her body was responding differently. Swallowing uncomfortably, she heard distant footsteps coming from ahead of her. Immediately, she jerked her head upwards, not even realized she had been staring at the ground, and saw someone walking in her direction. Asher was carrying a lantern and what looked like a bottle of wine. He had his hood on, which was abnormal, and she could only wonder what he was doing out here this late. As he got closer, she noticed he looked a bit confused about something.

Talking to him was going to be really strange from now on.

Once he was in front of her, she looked up at him with a helpless, exhausted look. She didn't care whether she looked presentable or not, especially not in front of him. It's not like he would care.

"Can I sit?"

She nodded, keeping her mouth closed. He faced the fire pit, and came down to her level. They remained in a slightly awkward silence for a moment. Jenny watched, half-lidded as he popped the cork off of the bottle and downed a bit of the wine. He was obviously here to talk about something, but was keeping to himself for some reason. But he looked oddly satisfied.

"So... how are you feeling? About... y'know," he must have some input on it, considering he was going to be the one dead in a few days.

"Relieved. That's the only way I can put it. I've had the best few days I've had in a long time, knowing they're some of my last."

That was... so sad to hear. Jenny had thought about suicide several times. After her family died, after Jasper, but she wouldn't have been so open about it. Then again, this was Asher she was talking to. He clearly didn't care what anybody else had to say about him. 

"I mean... I figured. Since you looked so happy at the church." he had given her a completely different idea of a person who wanted to end their own life. It was done by their own will, but she never would have guessed they would be this happy about it. She knew a few who acted on impulse, or had gone completely numb. But he was just overjoyed.