Reality Check

31. Second Thing

"Hello, and thanks for tuning into Vacations with the Villain episode two. I'm your host, Mia Benson. Some of you might know me from a certain reality show, where I was the evil chick at the top of the love triangle. Spoiler alert, I chose the bad boy, who's actually a huge computer nerd deep down, but don't tell anyone."

It's a stupid request. Someone will tell. My podcast already has ten thousand subscribers, not to brag or anything.

"Last episode, I took viewers on a verbal tour around Amsterdam. Today, slip on those wooden clogs, because we're stepping out of the city for a trek through the Dutch countryside."

The podcast was Max's idea. Maddie, who works in marketing, helped me get it off the ground and find a couple sponsors who advertise during the show. It's crazy. I'm earning money by rambling. I didn't think I had a dream job, but this is definitely it.

I blabber on—and by blabber, I mean recite my script—about small Dutch towns Max and I visited last weekend. For the last five minutes, I answer listener questions.

Yeah, listeners are submitting questions already, not to brag or anything.

"This first question comes from Kelsey in Burlington, Vermont. Kelsey asks, 'Hypothetically, if a reality show you were familiar with went off the air unexpectedly last week, what would be the cause of that?'"

Kelsey must be a lawyer or something. She worded that very sneakily.

"I wish I could tell you, Kelsey—" I really wish I could "—but I'm not on set of any hypothetical shows, so I'm not sure what happened behind the scenes." It's technically the truth. "For answers, maybe watch the last episode or two and see if anything seems off or if there are any unexpected plot twists. It could be a cast issue."

The entire Enlisted cast went on a sort-of strike after Max, Maddie, and I called Levi. The contestants tried hiding out in their rooms at first, but their contracts say they have to go where the producers tell them, so Sarah and Henry put a quick end to that. The thing is, the producers can't control what contestants say and do, so everyone sat around chatting amicably or in silence.

They got zero usable footage.

Max had a feeling they would try to bring more contestants on the show to spice things up, so he hacked into their systems again and deleted every audition tape and a bunch of files that seemed like they might have contact information. To be fair, we don't know if that's what Sarah and Henry would have turned to, but it was a great idea, right?

Right.

By the middle of the week, they were desperate, so on Thursday, they brought back previous contestants, Maddie included. She and Levi coordinated with everyone to put random people on their lists so that no one would be eligible to stay.

Enlisted season one was supposed to be twelve episodes. It lasted nine. Viewers are pissed, but I'm not. The producers shouldn't have manipulated everyone.

I answer a couple travel-related questions, and then it's time to sign off. "Next week on Vacations with the Villain, we talk all things destination weddings. We'll also have a bonus segment from two lovebirds and literal polar opposites, Levi Carter from chilly Alaska and Maddie Montgomery from toasty Florida, who have some hot—and cold, in Levi's case—tips for your next trips to Miami and Anchorage."

And then I throw in my new signature line. "Until next week, stay villainous."