PANDEMIC

twenty-three

"I'm not saying that you did, but as your therapist I'm concerned." I told her.

"You don't have to worry, I'll never kill myself." She spoke and her level of defense and assurance made me realize that as of now, she had no intention to kill herself.

"So I'm going to prescribe you some medicines- some antidepressants and some anxiety medicines just to help coax you through the next week so that everything can be a little better for you to be with your dad." I told her slowly.

"Okay" she mumbled.

"Are you okay with me discussing this call with your dad?" I asked her.

Although she was a minor, I wanted her permission, I wanted her to trust me.

"Yeah." She exhaled slowly.

I told her the details of her prescription before ending the call.

And then I prayed for her.

Once finished praying, I tried to call her dad to discuss the call, but ended up having to leave a voicemail instead.

Sophia.

All day I waited.

I couldn't be selfish.

But why was my dad not awake?

I knew he had to be awake, but I also knew he had to have broken a promise and went into the hospital.

Don't be selfish.

Today was supposed to be my day.

Don't be selfish.

I opened the blinds in my room- which I haven't opened in maybe four days.

Sunny.

I sat on the window seal for hours watching TikTok, looking outside, listening to music.

And soon I watched the sun go down, still no text messages or calls.

They're saving peoples lives, don't be selfish.

Dad wasn't even supposed to be going in there.

Don't be selfish.

I ate an apple for dinner, showered, closed the blinds again and laid back down in bed.

Happy birthday.

Luke.

A fourteen hour shift, and it still wasn't over.

I fell into the couch at work, praying my boss would come in and tell us we could go.

My face hurt from the equipment we had to wear.
My feet hurt from not sitting yet.
I was starving.
I was more tired than any man on this earth.

"Hemmings, you guys are good to go for tonight."

The four of us met up, showering and changing into normal clothes before finally getting to our phones.

A voicemail from Sophia's therapist.

"Hey doctor Hemmings, this is Doctor Martin- Sophia's therapist- I'm calling to just update you because I had my first virtual call with Sophia today. I'm not happy with the results, to be honest with you. I believe she is severely depressed, I've prescribed her some antidepressants along with anxiety medicines, because I think being away from you guys is causing her a lot of anxiety, which it giving her some frequent nightmares, but give me a call back if you want to here anything more in detail, and just try to take a little more time out of your day for her, I know you're a very busy man, but she needs it. Also, don't forget it's her birthday, she seemed pretty disappointed that I beat you to tell her."

My heart dropped.

"Fuck" I dropped my bag in the middle of the parking lot.

"What's wrong man?" Calum asked.

"We forgot Sophia's birthday."

All four of us went into full panic mode.

We all tried calling but her phone went straight to voicemail, telling me it was on do not disturb, meaning she was asleep.

"I'm a horrible dad." I spoke as Michael drove us home.

"You're not, we worked a fourteen hour chaotic shift- she will understand-" "I missed her eighteenth birthday because I went into work, which is breaking a promise that I told her." I spoke to them.

To say the least, we all stayed away from each other once we got home, we were all pissed at ourselves.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't.

So I did what I knew I had to do to calm my mind.

I packed a bag, I got her present and I went to her hotel.

And I sat outside her room number.

Just being this close was enough for me.

I wanted to go inside so badly.

But I knew I couldn't.

And before I even meant to, I fell asleep in the hallway.