A Million Miles Away

Chapter 12: January Part Three

We landed in the kitchenette and I immediately sat down in the chair, holding my head in my hands which I propped up on the small table.

A fistful of minutes went by where neither of us spoke. I just sat there, staring down at the table, Scorpius slowly pacing.

After a while, I found my voice, "Scor, I-"

"I could kill him." He stopped pacing.

I sunk in my seat, "Scor-"

"If I was a violent person, I would."

"You aren't."

He turned to look at me, "right now, I feel like I am."

I stood up and walked over to him, "Scorpius, I'm s-"

"Don't you dare apologize for that pig," he said, setting his jaw in a hard line.

I gently ran my hands up his chest, "but-"

He shook his head, "no. None of that was your fault. I'm not going to let you feel bad over some jackass."

I paused, "I don't want you to think what he said... I don't want you to think I cheated on you. At least not on purpose."

He slid his hands over mine on his chest and wrapped his fingers between mine, "Lily," he paused for a moment as he looked up at me from our hands, "I don't think that. I know he was lying to get a rise out of us. And it seemed like your teammates did too."

I nodded and he placed small kisses on the backs of my hands, "okay"

"Now, I think you were right when you said to bring a swimsuit." I looked up at him, clearly confused, "there's a hot tub outside," he said, motioning with his head to the left, "care to join me?"

I smiled, "I'd love to, just give me a minute to get changed?"

He nodded, "I'll meet you out there when you're done."

We both changed, Scorpius faster than I, and went out first. I stayed behind a minute, sitting on the closed toilet seat feeling so angry and numb at the same time.

I had changed into the little emerald green bikini Scorpius had picked out for me two summers ago. As I sat on top of the toilet in the rather skimpy, string-tied, bikini I couldn't help but think about dinner.

I'd been trying to ignore it for weeks now, this numb, empty feeling. And for the most part, I had succeeded - until now. Seeing Adam with Paige... for some reason I couldn't really explain, hurt.

Not because it was Paige, though it did rub a bit of salt in the wound, but because he was so clearly unbothered, untouched, by what happened that night in the locker room. Why did he get to move past it? Why didn't it haunt his dreams? Why didn't he care?

For weeks I've done everything in my power to move on, seeing the other side of this just inches out of my reach and not being able to catch it. For weeks I've been seeing it again in dreams. For weeks I've been telling myself 'it wasn't as bad as you think, you shouldn't press charges'. For weeks, I've had to fight and wrangle this cloud of emptiness back into my subconscious.

Why did he get to move on and not me? What did I do to deserve being trapped in the memory of what he did?

I sighed, I needed to stop this. Just don't think about it, don't feel it, Lily. You're a big girl, you can handle this. I stood up and splashed some cold water on my face from the sink. Looking back up at my reflection, I almost didn't recognize myself. She looked so... empty.

I closed my eyes, leaning against the counter. You can do this. Literally all you have to do Lily is ignore it. Just go outside and be with Scorpius. He makes you feel safe, yeah? He can make it go away. He can distract you for a little while longer.