The Perfect Girl (UNEDITED)

CHAPTER 35

CHAPTER 35

Dalawang araw pa lamang ang nakalilipas ngunit nandito na naman ako. Hindi ko inakalang dalawang araw lang ang itatagal ko sa labas. Akala ko'y aabot man lang ng kahit isang linggo.

Hindi ko na sinubukan pang tumayo nang magising ako mula sa matagal na pagkakatulog. Sariwa pa rin sa akin ang lahat ng nangyari bago ako mawalan ng malay. Sariwa pa rin sa akin ang matinding sakit na naramdaman ko. Nanginginig pa rin ang buong kalamnan ko sa takot na baka hindi na 'ko magising.

I thought I'd be ready for my death but, the truth is I'm not and, I don't know if I'd be ready for that day.

"You're awake. I'll call the doctors," Mother said before running away.

I didn't move. I just looked at the white ceiling as tears escaped my eyes. When will this be over? I'm so tired. I wanted to rest but, I'm afraid that if I closed my eyes, I wouldn't be able to open them again. I'm afraid to die.

Days passed like that. Sa umaga'y gigising ako na si Mommy ang maabutan. She'll call the doctors and, feed me. Matapos kumain ay tutulala lang ako at tutulo ang luha. Hindi ko na kayang itago pa ang nararamdaman ko. I can't fake my emotions anymore. I can't fake it, I'm tired of faking everything. 

"Do you want anything?" Mother asked desperately.

I shook my head, still facing the ceiling. Simula nang magising ako, wala pa 'kong binibigkas na kahit ano. I keep quiet, I didn't utter a word. Ibubuka ko lamang ang bibig ko sa tuwing iinom ng tubig, kakain o kaya'y magsisipilyo.

"Can you talk to me? Please?" 

I heard the desperation in her voice. It's hurting me but, I couldn't do anything. Kung pipilitin kong sarilihin na lamang ulit ang lahat, paano naman ako? Kung aakuin ko na lamang ang lahat ng sakit sa loob ko, mas pinapatay ko ang sarili ko.

I'm still alive but, I'm already dead inside.

Tinago ko ang mukha ko mula sa kaniya. Ayaw kong makita niya pa 'kong umiiyak ngayon. Alam kong sa tuwing iiyak ako, napupunit ko ang puso niya. Sa tuwing nakikita niya 'kong mahinang humihikbi at sumisigaw dahil sa sakit, doble-doble ang sakit no'n sa kaniya. It hurts her more than I do but, we couldn't do anything. All we could do is accept the pain and, let it hurt until it didn't anymore. Until we forget to feel anything. Until these hearts of us came numb and, we're not capable of feeling any emotions anymore.

I know she would disagree with what I was about to say but, I don't want to spend my remaining days here inside these four walls. At least, let me say goodbye to my friends? Let me fulfill my promise to Jazlynn. And, once everything's settled, it's my time to go. My time to go for a long walk alone.

"Let me spend my remaining days outside, please?"

When I looked at her, her eyes are red 'cause of crying. I made her cry every day and night. What kind of daughter I am? I made my parents proud before but now, I made them cry, I made them lose their shits. I hurt them, so much that I couldn't tell.

"A-alright, we'll leave this place but, we'll be back once it hurts again, okay? It's that a deal?"

I nodded before looking away from her again. I couldn't look at her, I couldn't, it's breaking my heart even it's already broken. Araw-araw kong nararamdaman ang sakit ngunit kung kaya ko pang sarilihin ay hindi ko pinapahalata sa kaniya. Ayaw kong mahirapan siya kahit na ako na lang muna kung kaya ko pang tiisin.

The next day, we left the hospital. I asked Mom to tell James that I wanted to meet Jazlynn. At nandito na 'ko ngayon sa seaside ng isang mall kung saan ko nakita si James noon. Muli akong naupo sa harapan ng dagat habang hinihintay ang pagdating nila.