50 Reasons Why I'm Not Gay

-Hugo-

🔴 Hugo's POV:

My departure would've been a little more dramatic, not going to lie, if the stupid donkey had actually moved, but he didn't; so I was left sitting there in the cart awkwardly as the two younger teens stared at me with pained eyes.

Groaning is disgust, I whipped the reigns again to try to spur the animal on, but it only brayed rudely in my face and plopped its rear end on the ground.

Great.

Just what I needed. A mule with attitude along with Varian's messed up outburst.

Slinging the bag over my shoulder I swung off the wooden cart into the shrouded dirt below, planning on taking this trek from foot.

It would probably be faster that way then depending on something or someone else to help me.

It had always been that way for me, looking out for yourself was always the easier then trying to help others who didn't give a damn about you.

I don't even know why I tried to help the brats watching me accusingly now I think of it... They didn't deserve my help.
Besides, if I got soft I'd never truly learn how to be alone-

"Fucking cart is yours. Do what you see fit with it, I'm out of here.", I threw in right before I made my way out of this hell hole in the works, "I don't care as long as you don't follow me."

Yong just stared after me, I could feel it burning into my spine as I made my way through the dense fog with each step.

I continued on, ignoring it for several minutes until I couldn't dismiss it any further.

Feeling my gut start to churn from guilt, I chanced one more look back, looking for something to maybe help ease my conscious that I was in my rights to leave. But when I did, there was nothing to be seen except white and grayish depressing clouds in my view.

The fog had swallowed what I had just left behind...
Fear threatened to seize me as a certain feeling of doom rested on my shoulders...

I took a step back from where I came, and almost called out to Nuru and Yong before stopping myself.

I had a mission. And that was only the Eternal Library.

Leaving everyone behind is what needed to be done-

I then continued to walk through the thick mist, which seemed to be almost made of solidified smoke.

I now really was alone. Walking out here like this...

Swallowing back the strange lump in my throat, I continued blindly, only able to see a foot ahead of me as I kept one of my arms outstretched so I didn't run into any of the old houses.

My thoughts were a jumbled mess as I tried to focus on leaving this off putting town so I could make Donella pleased for once. I could do that if I got the library open...

Why did I keep struggling with these thoughts?! Why couldn't I just crush them like I did every time I stole something for my benefit, no matter the cost?

I got other kids framed for stealing stuff for crying out loud... the penalty they had to suffer my actions were irreversible... and unforgivable.
Sure I felt bad at first. But what I played was a game of survival... and I couldn't continue to live in poverty. So I took what I needed and it was you either crush your opponents or be crushed.

Maybe that was why it wasn't as easy to dismiss this feeling called guilt, which was stickier and more humid then the air around me. I didn't have a valid enough reason to justify it...

But I did-
Didn't I?

I deserved love. I deserved fortune. I even deserved happiness... didn't I?

I felt so confused and lost... so much in fact I had stopped walking and just stood there numbly.

Everything felt strange... and all my inner emotions seemed to build up inside me and escalate at a startling rate.

It took all my willpower to try to not panic, but the feeling only continued to grow til' I almost felt angry. Unreasonably angry... like.. like-

WAIT.

That was what was happening. SOMETHING WAS INTERFERING WITH ME.
Something had interfered with Varian...

I felt the tightening walls compressing my negative emotions loosen some as my thoughts went straight to him...

Oh FUCK he was out there... all by himself. All by himself...
Fear seized me as I took off running, my feet pounding the cold gravely dirt before I could process the fact I was moving. I had to find him...

I barely was able to notice the danger of my amplified emotions, but that was because I was on guard. I couldn't even begin to wonder how bad they gotten now Varian had unleashed and given into his several minutes earlier.

I then remembered Nuru pleas and Yong's cries to stay and help.

Nuru. And Yong. I had been an idiot. A complete and utter idiot.

"GODS DAMN IT!!", I screamed loudly but my voice was muffled into the fog and seemed to absorb the noise.
The hell?!

I stared at the swirling slightly translucent clouds is disdain as I felt more caged then anything by the strange wisps.

I could never find them... not with this...

But why should I find them? It wasn't my responsibility to help them, to save them!
So why did I feel so... driven to do so?

I felt at war with myself and honestly that pissed me off more then anything...
I had to stay calm though, not let the magic of the place take over me and probably drive me to the same place Varian was going along with Yong and Nuru most likely...

This feeling this place induced was intense... and hopelessness and anger were the core of it.

I had to find a solid purpose. A reason to stay and a reason to keep going or I'd be dragged under its influence.

So what was that purpose? Was it leaving and finding the library or helping the three from certain gate I had a glimpsing taste of??