50 Reasons Why I'm Not Gay

-Varian-

Varian's POV:

My hand shook as I wrote down my jumbled thoughts onto the leather notebook, the scritch of pen against paper offering me little comfort as the embers of the fire glowed faintly.

Everything throbbed with pain, my head suffering the most and offering me the worst headache I've ever felt.

It was like my head was splitting in two.

Like fire was eating my eye.

Shadows and colors swayed and blended together on the end of my vision as I lay on my stomach, watching my writing messily going onto the paper as if it was someone else.

I closed my eyes and stopped, my fingers clutching the pen tightly as I remembered my damaged eye.

Hot pain shot through it as the memory flooded back; Nuru's scarlet eyes, the shout, wood smashing forward- PAIN.

I buried my face into the ground, my eyes squeezing shut tightly as I let out a muffled cry, frozen with pain and fear and fresh wounds that still drove into me even after it was clearly over.

I could barely breathe.

Where was I..?
What happened after I lost track of it all??
And most importantly, were all my friends safe and alive?!?

My head jerked up as I looked around frantically, taking in the dark scenery around me with sleeping bodies of my friends.
Nuru, Yong and Hugo were sleeping on the ground with worn blankets, a dying fire several feet away in the middle of the area near us with a few trees by my left.

I then saw the walls.

The old brick and vines of some wall, like that of the old houses in the village.

More sharp, hard images went through me like a spear.

So much fear and terror-
Death-
Blood-

Of failure...

I clutched the worn fabric over my body and sat up further, my legs trembling as I jerked my head side to side fervently looking around. My chest felt like it was closing on on me, everything stung and burned.
I burned.
Choking gasping breaths rose from my heaving chest faster as agonizing tears welled up in my one good eye as I dug my fingers into the cloth more.

I suddenly then felt hands take my shoulders, hands that felt somewhat comforting as my breathing got louder and more panicked.

"Hairstripe, hey HEY, BREATHE.", the voice broke through, my ears hurting just from the sudden sound.
It was too loud.
It was too much.
Too much feeling and all at once.
"FRECKLES, DEEP BREATH, alright?? I gotcha, but deep breath in c'mon.", it said with slight urgency, more command.

My vision was hazy, all I could see unfocused dirt and rock, quiet sobs and agonizing breaths I fought for as I clutched myself.

I didn't want to die.

I didn't want anyone to die-

It hurt. IT HURT IT HURT IT HURT-

The voice. A male. Repeated something again about breathing.

Choking back more hard breaths I bent over, my body feeling like it was going to fail me.

I didn't mean to bring everyone into this misery...
It HURT IT HURT...

More talking I thought I heard, but it was Faded noise, faded mush against the loud stabbing and pulsing knives within my head.
My chest felt wrapped tight, I clawed at my sleeves and shirt, trying to pull away the suffocating restraints. Red light danced on the edge of my vision as I gasped hard, as the noise got more and more.

I doubled over, while something kept me from falling completely to the ground.

Harsh waves of pain rushing through me violently.

Panic.

Choking.

I fought for breath.

Shadows dancing more.

Familiar worried noises of voices.

I choked my way to another breath, heaving in it quickly gulping for another faster and faster.

Yelling??
Me or them??

Suffocating. I was dying.
Had to be- I had to be dying.

My head leant back suddenly before liquid poured down my throat, choking, gagging against it.
I didn't want this.
My head blurred as I was lifted upright more, grasping onto the surface trembling and choking on my own breathing.

Everything was shaking.

I then felt myself inhale. My chest taking in the air finally.

Some sound ripped through my throat in pained relief as I breathed in more relieved. My thoughts clearing slightly as I breathed hard and deep, my head shoved against the surface of something not quite solid.
I clung to it tightly, whatever it was, panting and shaking.

My heart pounded hard inside me.

Distorted noises, voices, rang around me.. over me. Too loud. Too much.

I focused on breathing. Anchoring.

Deep breath in. Hold. Releasing. Clutching-
Repeat.

And.
Finally, it was quiet.