50 Reasons Why I'm Not Gay

-Varian-

Varian's POV

•••

The early morning light burned through the trees as I wrote in my journal again, trying to find some form of comfort or answer.

I looked back at Hugo, who was still fast asleep after I had slowly become aware of his gentle breathing before pulling away, his loose arm falling to his side instead of around me.

Swallowing, I turned away, hugging the journal tightly.

The sound of water was in the background along with the sharp but sweet sounds of birds. Everyone else was still asleep, even Nuru, who I noticed had an old blood stain on her dress.

Yong looked traumatized even as he slept, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't.

He's had to face the most trials beside me, since he'd been here from almost the beginning. He was just a kid still-
What had I been thinking bringing him along?? Bringing anyone along on this?!

What had I thought I could achieve anyway setting out like this when I had everything back home.

Maybe I wasn't cut out for this journey, none of us were really, no matter how much we put up an act.

Tears fell from my unbandaged eye, as I shook and hugged my knees with the book pressed against my chest.

I just wanted to be back home more then anything and my mothers journal to have never been found, along with the pain I had caused everyone to disappear along with it.

My chest swirled with emotions, doubt and pain eating into me faster and faster.

I should've stayed in his arms when I had the chance, but I couldn't go back.
No.
I had to wait to be invited again, though I wasn't ready to face if I'd accept it or push him away.

I nearly killed everyone.

They nearly all died because of me and this trip. This journey.
WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?!!?

I let out a broken sob and clutched myself harder, breathing heavy as the book popped out from between my legs and chest from the pressure.

I angrily grabbed it and tore out the all the entries I had made, listening to the satisfying tear of paper and wadding it in my shaking hands as fast as I could.

It was garbage.

Everything I had done was mostly a mess.

What was I DOING using the journal rapunzel had gifted me with trying to convince myself if I liked someone or not?! And even then I couldn't do that or keep track of the rest of my trip properly without sounding like a complete jerk.
I was a failure.

And the burning in my noticeably lost eye just reminded me of that even more.

I was about to throw the book in the lake, tension high in me as someone grabbed my arm stopping me.

I didn't stop though.

He wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to be asleep! Why did he have to see me the way I was last night, why did he have to be here to see this too?

I let out a broken angry sob, trying to pull away and throw the book into the water, where it'd be gone and ruined.

I wanted to be stupid on purpose, so I couldn't be stupid on accident anymore.

Why couldn't he just let me be STUPID?!?

I was held tightly, his hold gentle but firm, his heart beating a little faster then normal-

"Let. Me. Go.", I whispered yelled, shame coursing through me, not daring to make myself more of a spectacle and waking the others. "Just let me go please!"

He didn't answer, only hugging me closer and taking the now entryless book and tossing it onto the ground safely.

"Hugo!! Stop!", I choked back tears and turned around slightly, pushing myself away hard as I could, my hands on his chest.

His chest.

Warmth ran across my face as he looked at me sadly and concerned, his hair down from its usual ponytail and now hiding his undercut, which had been growing out to softer looking lengths.

I jerked my hand away and held my head.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

What the actual fuck.
I was angry, I was scared and confused and guilty and anxious and everything else AND was somehow also blushing over him.

I wanted him out of my emotions.

He didn't fucking belong there right now!! I couldn't Deal with that yet. Not now.

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, truly letting myself sob as I buried my face in my palms, standing there before dropping to the ground.

His arms were too warm, too nice, too comforting.

I was back in them again after a moment, his hands pulling my head to his chest. My anger still there I refused to hug him back, burying my face into him and trying to calm back down.

I was pathetic.

So god damn pathetic.

He seemed hesitant to speak, I could feel the words in his chest wanting to come out but unsure if it was right.

Good.

Him talking would only make things more confusing.

HIM.

I pushed my head into his chest harder, listening to his heartbeat as I cried.
I was so sick of this. I was so sick of me.

I needed it so badly.
I needed to hold him. To feel anchored. To feel safe for even just a moment.

I hadnt earned that though- not after what had happened. Not after last night, or the village, or through the trials and our arguments and rivalry and definitely not after me only keeping him on board because of distrust.

He had done more then enough to earn all our trust. Yet I still was hesitant. And yet I also found myself falling for him while also refusing to give him a real true chance.
What kind of messed up system was I running on?

My body throbbed with the parallel thoughts to hug or pull away, my tears messy and beyond embarrassing at this point.

"You should get your bandages changed now Hairstripe.", he spoke up, as I felt his arms hug me closer, tighter-, "You're going to get them all salty."

I couldn't take it.

So I pushed him away.

He looked at me, me wishing he wouldn't as I pushed myself to my feet with the crumpled papers scattered around us.

"I-I... I'm going for a walk around the lake, I'll be back.", I managed weakly, "Don't follow me."

Hugo was silent, sitting there frozen as he searched my face.

He could look all he wanted, but he'd be no closer to understanding- and if he did. He'd wish he hadn't.

I turned away and headed off, following the shoreline and leaving everyone else behind for the short time I could get.

I really was a mess.