50 Reasons Why I'm Not Gay

~Entry 10~

Dear journal,
I've woken up in, out of all people? In Hugo's arms, he's asleep still and eye is damaged, I know this now. Someone wrapped it in bandages to stop the bleeding-
I remember panicking after I woke up and hearing his voice, feeling his hold. It was strong, and steady, everything I wasn't then.
And now as I look at him, I can't help but see, maybe, he cares more about then he lets on.
I didn't trust him.. my heart has wanted to though ever since he swooped in the fire trial in Koto.
I don't want to like him.
I was keeping my friends close and enemy closer- he had intentions when we first met. He stole the totem for a reason after all. Was he just being stupid? Was he just curious and bored??
I doubt he even knew the value or depth of what I was after- maybe he just wanted a friend...
Or maybe I'm being too hopeful to give myself an excuse to trust.
-
I'm so lost journal.
We've saved each other's lives multiple times now, I can't help but have a chemical natural response in my brain that triggers feelings of attraction towards him even more for that.
I've lied to myself from the beginning trying to convince myself I'm not gay for this guy but it's getting harder to say I'm not.
How can you simply share so much while also thinking he's amazing and handsome and even annoyingly funny and not LIKE him???
I've also reread my past entries journal, I see they kinda went astray ever since the village.
So what do the others think of me after something like that?? What does he think??
He didn't like the old man and village, he didn't trust it. He was right.
By demanitus, he was right and look what happened because I didn't even try to listen, because of my jealousy and insecurities trying to figure out if I liked the damn guy.
I'm scared my father would be so disappointed in me if I do truly like him. Another reason to try not to trust him completely and let myself.. love? him-
My eye hurts, my head hurts...
My heart hurts.
I'm so confused.

Getting back to the purpose though here, I'm not gay here for hugo. I'm not. I can't be. Even if he looks kinda hot sleeping. He snores so that's another reason not to like him.
...
I'm here for the library, not him.