Saving Angel

Depression

A few weeks later I was sitting on the fixed front porch, thanks to Lucifer, with Azriel in my lap watching Abigail build a makeshift ramp and race track for Azriel's cars and trucks. Azriel was waiting patiently curled up in my arms.

"I'm sorry, Momma." Azriel looked up at me.

Running my fingers through his hair as I looked down at him, I asked,

"For what, sweetheart?"

"For not seeing a bad angel in daddy."

"No. No, Em. That is not your fault, none of this is your fault."

"But I was helping daddy. I should have seen it." he lowered his gaze back at Abigail down in the front yard.

Turning him so he was sitting on my lap facing me, I placed my finger under his chin and tilted his head upward to look at me.

"It's not your job to save anyone, Azriel. The bad angel was good at hiding. Daddy didn't realize it until it was too late. Do you know how much your daddy loved you?" I said hugging him to me. Tears were welling up as my heart broke at the thought of him holding in this amount of guilt at his age.

"Yes, Momma."

"He loved you so much." I said kissing the top of his head.

He looked up at me again and said,

"He loved you, too, Momma. I miss him." He hung his head as he hugged me again.

"I miss him, too, baby. So much." I fought to hold back a cry as he hopped off of my lap, facing me.

"We'll be ok." He smiled before he turned and ran down the steps over to Abigail.

Watching the two of them giggle and slide the cars along the track warmed my heart a little but the amount of pain I was feeling was overwhelming. I looked up towards the sky and silently prayed to no one since Castiel is now gone.

I'm so sorry, Cas. For not being here, for fighting with you, for doubting your love for me. I'm sorry for everything. I miss you so much. God, I miss you.

The tears spilled over my eyes and dropped onto my shirt. Quickly wiping them away with a sigh, I did my best to suppress the pain and put on a happy face for everyone. I put my family through so much recently, I'm surprised I haven't chased them off.

And then there's Lucifer. He wanted to kiss me when he changed bodies that night. He basically confessed his feelings in that single moment. And I faltered, without being bonded I was feeling things that would have been easily blocked out with a bond to someone else. So, were those feelings I felt in that moment real? I couldn't stop thinking about it. Here I am mourning the death of my husband while trying to dissect my feelings, but it didn't matter. I wouldn't put anyone through the headache, drama, and pain of loving me again. From here on out, I would make sure he knows that he's free to do whatever he wants to do. I'll look for a way to remove the bond without losing my soul. There has to be away. Right?

***

A few hours later I was cooking dinner for Bobby, Jody, Sam, and Dean. No one has brought anything up or acknowledged that it happened. They are all going on as if nothing happened. It was pissing me off.

"Mmm, boy does it smell amazing in here." Dean exclaimed as he entered the kitchen.

Turning towards him, I smiled before turning my attention back to the oven. I heard the refrigerator door open and beer bottles clanking together.

"Hey, how have you been holding up?" He pulled a chair out and sat at the table facing me.

Shrugging at his question, I pulled the food from the oven and placed it on the counter to begin cooling. Moving back and forth between the stove and sink, I began washing pots and pans that were no longer being used.