Diary of an anorexic

Monday 21.02.15

(I feel like I look very big in the picture but irl it is actually kinda good looking, ofc not skinny enough)

I just had the appointment. It was okay we talked. There's two options eventually, family sessions or group therapy with other people.
They wanted to weigh me but I didn't let them. So they allowed me to just tell them. I'm not sure if I want to get help but I'll think about it.

So today I have the binge. I'll still do that but I know I'll get upset afterwards. I thought I'd eat again after this but I decided that, today I can do the binge and rest. But after today i will restrict again. Now that I'm skinnier, I really like it. I can actually see that I've gotten skinnier. I still see that I'm fat but unlike last time, I see that my stomach is smaller and my legs are thinner. That's just the best feeling ever. So I will keep on restricting. I hope I still can, I feel like I've lost discipline a bit... but maybe I can be 48 before my next appointment. I am surprisingly motivated.
Ill do my best to lose a lot of weight. Skinny does feel better than food tastes.

Just wanted to write: I'm so excited to restrict and get skinny

Rules;
- only dinner
- dance everyday
- 100 sit ups
- cycling

Imagine goingback to Y and being much more underweight. I will wear baggy clothes so no one will notice and this holidays I will not eat much. Maybe if I do well I can be a 'nood geval' for Y. That would be great. Just weighing less and less, that feels sooo good. And honestly, I don't feel like eating. After The Hague I feel fine not eating. It's about getting used to it. Then it's easy. And then eventually also returning to school. Being very skinny.

I'm done w my binge I didn't eat all, I just don't feel like it, and actually I don't even really enjoy the taste.

I'm starting tomorrow, though tomorrow I'm going to try not to weigh myself because after a binge I always weigh much more.

So I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I don't feel like eating and I hope I feel the same tmr. Maybe it's because I had the biggest binge today or just because I'm not used to eating. I hope the second. I really look forward to restricting again like months ago. And to be skinny again because now I'm so bloated. This binge was crazy. I tried not thinking too much about calories so idk how much I had but the amount I had is inhumane so I'm sooo worried. This morning I was 55 now after eating SO much, I'm 58.. I know I can't have gained 3 kilos but still, I hate bloating and gain. I hope after tomorrow my bloat will be over. I don't want to weigh tomorrow but I don't think I can ignore it. I have to. But I will be far underweight in 2 weeks. And then at the next appointment they'll get worried.

I love my ed❤️❤️