Diary of an anorexic

21.04.19

I didn't feel like writing my diary, I've been having ups and downs.
My average weight is about 56.
That a few kilos lighter than my average from a year ago.

I'm doing awful right now.
Like always. I get more and more bad days.
I want to die so so bad.

Testweek went like shit.. I have three insufficients now, could get more.
School is too much stress for me.
I have so many tests I still have to do. I even have tests in my vacation. Like 20 tests in the next few weeks. I'm so going to fail. And my dad is going to be soo disappointed in me. I really don't want to disappoint him because he'll talk about that for years, my entire life. Just like he does with my siblings. He thinks we should do our school career perfectly. I cannot be depressed and anorexic and do my school perfectly.

And I'm an awful person. I had sex with someone other than my 'master'. Yeah I do bdsm shit so what. But I don't want to tell him because I really enjoy having him as my master.

My parents want to take away my PlayStation because they think I play too much. But they think I play much more than I actually do. They think that all the time that I'm in my room I'm gaming. Which is not true. I'm in my room 24/7 because if I go to the living room they insult me and judge me for using my MacBook even though I'm doing homework and I can't listen to music out loud bla bla bla.
So many reasons to just be in my room where I can be alone.

They also say, "we actually did things when we were young, you guys are only on your phones" WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? if you didn't notice, were in a lockdown...??? I used to hang out with friends all the time but I can't right now. And I go outside more than I'm comfortable with. I have very very bad social anxiety so just walking the dog takes a LOT of mental preparation.

I really just want to give up right now. I don't want to get help. I don't want to live like this. I don't know wtf I should do. I just want to sleep but I can't.

Oh and if they take away my ps, I'll have nothing to distract myself. Whenever I want to self harm I game to distract myself of negative thoughts. It really helps when I'm feeling like shit but if they take that from me I won't have distraction.

That would be like the worst night I ever experienced. I was very depressed at that time and self harmed and couldn't sleep one bit. (I slept 4 hours for weeks)
So that night I was trying to pass time. I was crying silently because my sister hears me very easily and I dint know what to do cuz I had soo much negativity in me and couldn't get it out. Decided to listen to some music and sit in my window. So somehow my parents heard and my dad comes to my room, very angry. Shouts, telling me to give him my phone and go to sleep. I didn't have anything after that. All I could do was cry and hurt myself. I didn't have my phone for distraction and I didn't sleep that night. I felt so so so horrible.

What would people do after I kill myself. Most of them (who care about me ofc) would be sad and mad.

My best friend would be really upset and mad probably but more sad. She never ever cries, I only heard her cry once. That was when I planned to kill myself and sent her a goodbye. She tried convincing me for hours and then when I was about to do it she called me, crying. That was heartbreaking.

Most of my online friends wouldn't know. I can't tell all of them so I'm really sorry to them but they'll forget about me.

My younger sister would be really really devastated. She wouldn't really understand but just be very very sad.

My brother would idk.. be sad I'm pretty sure but idk what his reaction would be. I'm not that close with him.

My sister would also just be very very sad. And ask why.

My oldest brother would be very sad and angry and find it unfair. He told me that by committing suicide I would only project my problems onto others. I would be really sorry to him because he knows how it is but he doesn't give up.

My parents... I really don't know.
They would be sad. But honestly, I don't really think about their reaction much. Yes I love them but they're also a big reason for my depression so.. sorry but not sorry.

My other friends, they would be sad, definitely. They would cry. Be shocked.

I wonder what people would say at school. Would they keep it a secret or let people know.