Diary of an anorexic

Friday 21.02.26

I weigh 56 today, two kilos from underweight.
I feel so stupid for every time I ate. I was underweight a few months ago, like scary thin. Wth was I thinking.

There's so many voices in my head, I don't know which to listen to. I don't know who is who. I don't know which voice is me. I don't know who I am anymore.
A few weeks ago I planned suicide, I was about to do it but my best friend called me, crying. She was begging me not to do it. I had never heard her cry before and I was shocked. I didn't do it and after one or two weeks I started feeling a little better. But I keep getting depressing times. I feel so so down. For me it's not worth it. People say that it will get better. Then it's better for a bit and everyone thinks I'm fine but after a while, the bad thoughts are back. Every voice in my head is screaming. They want me to listen to them and they're fighting in my head and it makes me feel so cold and so alone.

I told my dom that I want to still be his. I've been lacking as his sub because of my mental health. I feel like he deserves a much better sub. I didn't want to disappoint him anymore but I know I would be so much more depressed without him. I love talking to him and he knows everything about me. So this morning I decided that instead of him finding a better sub, I should do better. I will do my best.

Tomorrow is my mums birthday, which means
Food.... uh oh
Tmr we're also going on a city walk. That's a good thing cuz it's calorie burning:D
I always have a part of birthday pie so I can't skip that tmr. Some birthdays I have found a way to skip but tmr I won't get away with anything. And it's the first time in 4 years I was home on my mums birthday. The last 3 years I was snowboarding. (And now I'm crying cuz I mentioned snowboarding, man I miss that)
So I will have some pie and I will enjoy it. I just have to make sure I have nothing else except for dinner. (I need to have dinner because it's with the fam so can't escape)

I decided to also get back my schedule from months ago. Well it's not really a schedule but rules actually.
- just dinner
- 100 sit-ups before bed
- running between classes
And some other rules which I have written down. I don't remember them because it was a few months ago I last followed them. It was stupid rules, I'll tell you some of them.
- chew at least 25x
- eat with undominant hand
- only see through bowls
- cut food into tiny bites, equal amount
- 2 glasses of water during every meal

That are some examples, I had 29 rules in total. I'm not going to follow all of them cuz some are really dumb.

I just ate my sisters cupcake, it was good, a little dry but good. I just can't eat anything but dinner. I couldn't say no because she would notice and say I'm anorexic cuz she knows of my ed.

My sister is getting bigger. She eats a LOT. I'm the skinniest sister, I have always been the skinniest sister. My older sister is a little fat imo, but I don't like her so whatever. She sometimes asks me, how are you so skinny? What do I need to do to be skinny? Can you help me lose weight?
It's her own problem, if she wants to be skinnier, she can but she doesn't have the willpower.
My younger sister isn't as big as my older sister but she's definitely getting closer. She eats soo much. Always when she's with friends she gets so much unhealthy foods. During the day she eats sweet things and toastis and whatever. Even when she's not with friends, she goes to the store and buys unhealthy foods. There's a lot of wrappers in her room that she hides.
I had cookies after the appointment two weeks ago and she went to my room and checked if there were any left. It's disgusting and motivating to me.

Just like my dad, he also eats waaay too much.
My parents are so stupid about food. They think sweet food is immediately bad and greens are only good. They have this old people mentality and they won't change it. To the old people, times have changed, humanity gained knowledge, please stop thinking you know everything, you don't.

Oh and I'm eating an apple rn because I was about to binge and I eat apple with a knife so it takes long so my mind will probably be distracted.

Today I ended up eating more than I had to but I'm pretty sure I'm still in a deficit, just not as big as I hoped because I also didn't exercise much today. I should do my sit ups still. Not that that burns many calories but it does wake my abs.