Diary of an anorexic

Tuesday 21.02.16

It's been a week since I started this diary. I feel good today.
My ed started last year and got serious in spring. I restricted well and lost quite some weight. I did crazy things and missed out on things. I can't remember all of it at once but every time I think of something I'll write it down with '☆' this sign.
☆ I used to sit for hours in the park in the cold so I could skip dinner.
☆ I didn't go with my parents on vacation and let my sister down.
☆ I used to chew something and then spit it out.

Then at some point it just stopped. I ate more and gained weight. Since then I switch between bingeing and restricting. Then eventually I went really bad at restricting and I felt awful. I called the doctor and wanted to recover.
That was a few months ago in fall break.
Then the whole clinic stuff started and yesterday was my first appointment.
Since the doctor I've been eating more. Some restricting periods and some normal periods. But in the normal periods I had extreme hunger so I did gain some weight till I was back at my starting weight.

Now I want to restrict again. But seriously. Last few months I was too weak. But now it feels like spring again. I don't even feel like eating. I'm not hungry and I just want to lose weight and do well. I even made breakfast for my sister this morning. I used to do that a lot in spring. Because of course I am busy with food all the time, but I just don't want to eat.
I feel like I'm back at it. It feels great.
And I'm sooo looking forward to peoples reaction. Like when I come back to the clinic and I weigh much less than yesterday. Imagine if I weigh like 50, better even, under 50. What if I would weigh 48. That I just woah。
I would love that. I honestly think I can do it. I'm so into it and I LOVE losing weight. Seeing my body get smaller. I do have to cover up though. Wear baggy clothes, otherwise my family would notice.

I'm missing so much school lately. It's just I have been doing so bad and my mentor knows and tests are taken out and I barely do my homework and skip some classes. I feel embarrassed. My mentor is going to think I'm abusing her help. I'm really not though, I really want to do school but I've been stressed out. I will do better after the winter break next week. After that I'll do everything I missed and follow my lessons and do my homework. I really will, and I'll also be thinner.

So I just had dinner. We had peas and vega burger and small potato parts. I skipped peas and I had three potato parts and took the peel off. And the burger only has 123 calories which is doable and I had at least a liter water along with it.
My sister then interfered. I told her about my ed. First she was watching my plate and what I did w my food like cutting and peeling and then she said i haven't had peas yet, and that I have to eat peas. So I said, "don't tell me what to do." Then she said "don't act like that." I said  "don't interfere", she said "shouldn't have asked me for help and shouldn't have told me". That kinda hurt because I told her with trust. She sorta broke my trust like that. She knows it's an issue for me so be fucking patient. And atm I don't want to recover so I'm fine with her not helping.
I danced before dinner and drank a lot of water, hope I lose some weight. This morning I was 56. From the binge still. But I probably gained quite some weight because my body turns food into fat quicker because I restrict.