Diary of an anorexic

Monday 21.03.01

It's March, 20 days till my birthday.
I think I'll invite my two best friends to my birthday. My older sister made her 16th birthday a huge deal. Her party was way extra. I don't need that. I'll have my best friends and we'll have a good time. I think we'll have dinner together or if the weather is bad we could have a movie night.

Why is bad weather known as cold and rainy? That's actually so stupid. Rain is not bad. Cold can be nice, I think cold is better than warm.

Yesterday I ate a lot. Like a LOT. It wasn't a binge, it's just that on Sunday my family eats together and I let myself go. I ate so many calories. And right now I'm still bloated and it's 09.40. I must have gained some weight but I'm not weighing today. I did weigh yesterday and I was 57?? That was probably just food weight so I'm not worried about that. I will have a little bit of dinner today and a lot of water and I'll exercise today. I have a lot today to do today ugh, I also have to study for a biology test for Friday, I'm scared...

I really have to work hard now. I have been at 56 for so long now. I need to lose weight faster. Months ago I lost so much faster. At least now it's not vacation anymore so it'll probably be easier. I have to follow my rules and the weight loss will come.
How did I ever reach so underweight months ago? Right now I'm barely losing weight.
I think I know why though.. I was really into it, I was soo strict. I made these stupid excuses.
I'm scared to go back to that. I want to but I also really don't. So right now I'm in the middle. Restricting but not being strict.
I hated myself so much at that time. And I was so happy my first time that I was underweight, I cried. I felt like I finally did something good.
I want to go back. Part of me really doesn't but the stronger part says yes. I don't know if I can but I'll try. I'm so unsure right now.
It's not hard I can do it. But how? You know how, you did it before. Yes but it was different. How was that different? I... don't know

Y literally just called for an appointment tomorrow. I'm dead. And I promised to be underweight before the next appointment lol. This is pathetic. I won't let them weigh me though. It will be fine. How much I hate myself right now. And I still didn't get out of bed either. If I just restricted since that first appointment I would've been at my first goal weight by now lol. And I'm bloated and heavy and fat and I fly and tmr Y and please kill me:)

It's now 1830 and I'm still super bloated. I feel like shit. I just weighed myself and I weigh 58.9. That's so heavy. It's disgusting. And I don't know if it's real or not. I usually weight two kilos more the day after a binge or just full day of eating but I'm scared right now. I look so gross, my belly is sticking out so much. I hate bloating.
Tomorrow at Y I will tell them that I'm doing well and don't need help and that I can easily recover. And I will not let them weigh me. I will run out of that building if they do. If I just restricted after that first appointment. I hate my eating disorder. Why can I not just do well? I either give up or go back to how it was months ago. I don't know what to do. I think I'll be super strict again. I feel like I have to prove to people that I am not okay. But on the other side, I don't feel like restricting anymore. I'm also not feeling so motivated to keep writing this diary. I do like writing it down, that really helps me. Maybe I'll just write a little less.

My mum just called for dinner. I don't know what I should do... should I go or not? I think I'll just stay in my room and see what happens. My dad is away so he isn't here to get mad at me. I hope it won't end too bad.
My sister came and I told her I have a bellyache so I'm not sure if I'll come.