You don't know about Us - A MewGulf AU

Chapter 12: Eggshells

Gulf was completely tongue-tied, utterly at loss for words. How was he supposed to answer? There was no right reply to a question like this. He opened his mouth but... nothing.

The look in his phi's face didn't help either, the elder looking at him with a piercing inquisitive gaze. He hadn't even thought about it like that before. In some ways, yes, Gulf was hiding something from Mew, but if he admitted that, he would have to explain what and...

Explaining something like that is simply impossible. Speaking from experience, Mew wouldn't believe him if he tried anyway. And if he did, would he judge or come to hate him? Judge him for pretending to be a newbie to get his attention, or worse, hate him for shoving his crush on him like some kind of rebound.

The phi was still right in front of him, close enough that Gulf could swear he could recognize the man's cologne – one he had smelled a lot and grown to love a few months back. Gulf's heart was beating fast, but not because of his proximity, for another reason altogether. He somehow felt guilty, only now after being singled out like this, realizing what he had been doing up until now.

He really had been lying and using the phi all this time, hadn't he? But what else could he do. He just wanted to be close to him, to be loved and cared for by him. Was it really that wrong of him, after all? Should he just apologize? Staying quiet like this wouldn't help anything either.

Suddenly, Mew was moving back. He looked a bit sheepish, raising his hand to run through his hair. "I'm sorry," he said, and it somehow was even more disturbing than his easier accusation. "You know, we call you yai nong – I call you yai nong – because I want to make you feel secure, feel safe with me." His tone was soft, and Gulf didn't feel like he deserved it. He nodded hesitantly for lack of anything better. "I want to be the phi you could ask for help in the start of your acting career, you know?"

Gulf knew this. Gulf knew that he was helping him because he felt obliged to, because he saw Gulf as his nong who needed to be aided. Yet, still, hearing it like this, it kind of hurt a little. Because if he were to admit, he had gotten his hopes up, just a bit...

Ah, I'm just his nong after all. I somehow got ahead of myself and thought that maybe, maybe, there was something more but I'm...

(Being a little foolish is fine, nong Gulf. It's not your fault, some things just aren't meant to be.)

If this had been just an hour earlier or the day before, he'd promptly ignored whatever the voice was implying. But now, after this... He guessed there was something truthful in those words after all. Some things, might not be meant to be, and perhaps he should be glad with what he can actually get. What he actually can be to his phi. His nong and... a good co-actor, that is all.

"I'm really thankful for phi's help," Gulf eventually answered, because he was, and because he knew that was all it was. Mew finally smiled when he heard this reply. Seems like he said the right thing.

"We might need to stop calling you nong, though," his tone was light, joking, but it wasn't funny to Gulf. After all, if he couldn't be nong, then he couldn't be anything to his phi! Panicking, he abruptly grabbed Mew's hand. As if he could say without words; no, please don't leave me, I need you.

Mew didn't notice his inner turmoil and simply squeezed his hand. "You're just really talented," he showed teeth. "I must be going a little mad, sorry about saying that earlier."

"But..." Gulf started.

"Don't worry about it, you'll always be yai nong to us, even if you're extremely skilled," the phi tried to wave his panic away, unsuccessfully. "I'm always here if you need me."