You don't know about Us - A MewGulf AU

Chapter 13: Lost

"It's because I'm dirty," Gulf laughed emotionlessly, making a joke out of everything. A joke out of himself. A dirty joke. "And because I'm desperate enough to cling onto you." He closed his eyes, wanting to escape from Mew's intense (judging?) gaze. "Who knows nothing."

Who even knows anything at this point? Heck, even Gulf didn't know if this was all a dream or reality. All of a sudden everything seemed like a surreal dream.

"Gulf," the phi used his name, and it made him flinch involuntarily.

"I'm sorry," I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for deceiving you. I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for... There was a lot the nong was sorry about.

The phi called him again, in a tone softer than earlier. Gulf could hear the rustling of fabric and then, a soft touch on his shoulder. He wanted to shrug it off, Mew shouldn't touch his dirty self, but the warmth was so nice, so absolutely filled with undeserved gentleness, the warmth spreading through his whole arm. He wanted to shrug it off before it could reach his heart, but he longed for the heat. He longed for the phi.

And that had been the reason why he did all of this, isn't it? That's why he lied, pretended to be things he was not.

In any universe, he wanted the phi, but could never deserve him. Yet he stood still, taking what was given to him.

"I'm sorry," Gulf apologized again. For basking in his warmth.

More rustling of fabric, and Gulf was suddenly pulled into a hug. More undeserving warmth, yet, the nong couldn't move. Wouldn't move. Mew was dirtying himself, but the nong selfishly needed it.

Mew was right next to his ear, breathing a little uneven. "Tell me," he whispered, "what I don't know. Tell me what's wrong."

"I can't," Gulf mumbled, feeling cold all over, burning at only the parts Mew touched. He suppressed a shiver, and failed. How do I even start, "You wouldn't believe me either way," he shook his head, but it resulted in him burying himself in Mew's neck. The smell of Mew overtook him, and he shivered again, for a whole other reason.

He could feel Mew's hands on his back, softly trailing circles as if to calm him down. "You don't know that," he said matter-of-factly, "you can try." It was as if the phi was talking to a kid, voice soft and soothing, inviting. It twisted something in Gulf's gut.

Finally, he gained enough strength and pushed Mew's arms away. They were still standing close, but at least Mew's warmth couldn't cloud his mind anymore. The longing was distracting, the longing for Mew, Mew, Mew...

He looked away, seeing their reflection in the mirror, remembering flashes of a universe away, of fiction but not. "I do know though," he muttered. "He didn't believe me either." Gulf always wondered if he actually ended up believing Gulf at the end, or if he just indulged the nong. Mew was a facts-and-books kind of guy, not someone who believed in tales of fantasy.

(Although, Gulf couldn't help but note, the phi was very superstitious and that wasn't something to be found in books. So maybe he was wrong about that, but he'd never know.)

Mew's reflection frowned. What had Gulf said during that car ride? What had that Mew's answer had been? Telling Mew wasn't the answer he'd been looking for, after all. He didn't even know if all the advice he'd given the other, about talking with each other, had had any good results in the end.

"Don't we need to go back to set?" Gulf changed the topic, looking for a way out. Mew was a professional actor, so surely he'd put that first.

But to his surprise, the phi shook his head. "You can't act like this, nong," he said, once more in that tone meant for little kids, "I'll tell the staff to postpone today's shoot and drive you home."