The Curse of Your Past // Charlie Gillespie

Chapter 20

After a while I hear a knock on my door. "Vic? Please talk to me! What happened?" My door isn't locked and he knows it but he still gives me the option to not talk to him right now. The fact that he cares about how I feel even after what I just did breaks my heart even more. I really don't wanna talk to him right now. I can't bare to look at him without feeling an immense pain but I owe him a proper explanation... only that I don't have an explanation. 

He doesn't knock again, he doesn't say anything, he lets me decide and I hate and love him for it at the same time. I wish he'd just force me to talk to him, be mad at me... anything but not caring. Anything that would make this easier. I wipe the tears of my face and crawl out of bed. Slowly I walk towards my door. It takes me a moment to force my hand to turn the knob but once I do Charlie isn't there. 

I peak out the door and see him sitting on the couch. He just sits there and stares into nothing. The TV is now turned off and there's hardly any light out. I walk towards him slowly. Every step feels like a knife straight into my heart. I sit down on the couch as far away from him as possible. The distance kills me but I wanna give him some space. 

"I'm so sorry." That's all I manage to whisper without breaking into tears again. He looks up at me, his eyes empty. The look on his face shatters the last remaining pieces of my heart. All I want is to see him happy again. I wanna take everything I said back but I can't. 

"Charlie, I'm so so sorry." My voice starts to tremble and I turn away from him for a moment to wipe away the tears that form in my eyes. "I don't get it. This morning... everything was fine." He seems so lost, so hopeless. I feel so sick I'm sure I'll have to throw up.

I knew it was selfish of me to act like everything was fine but I wanted to enjoy every last moment we had together. I don't know what I thought... "It wasn't... I tried but... this just isn't who I am." - "What do you mean who you are?" I swallow hard. This will be the biggest lie I've ever told in my entire life but if I want Charlie to believe me I have to be convincing. 

"I'm just not made for this life. Owning a club... dating you..." I know if I say the next thing I will hurt him... like really hurt him and I already hate myself for doing it but maybe if I hurt him enough it'll be easier for him to forget me. "Dating you is just... too much... I thought I could handle it but no matter where we are I'm always worried someone will snatch a picture and turn it around into something it isn't... I don't belong in this life... I belong home... back to the life I had... talking to Max... it made me realize that I ran away from who I am instead of running towards who I'm meant to become... I'm so sorry I didn't realize is sooner." 

I can't look at him. I don't wanna see his emotions. This is the most painful experience I've ever had and I hate Max so much for making me do this... hurting the person that's most important to me. The pain in Charlie's voice feels like a knife cutting me open. "You don't mean that... Victoria... don't let him get into your head! Whatever he said we can get over it... you just have to talk to me." 

The desire to just close the gap between us, curl up in his arms and tell him everything is so strong but I can't give in. I can't risk him being ruined. Even if Max wouldn't manage to get him to prison the publicity that would cause would be terrible. "My flight back is on Thursday. I'll pack my things and move back to the club... I'll be gone in the morning." 

I look up at Charlie and what I see makes me feel like I can't breathe. His eyes are red and I can tell he's fighting against tears as much as I am. He shakes his head. His voice is trembling. "You can stay... there's enough room here. I'll be gone most of the time anyways." Even after what I just did to him, how much I hurt him he still lets me stay at his place. 

I know I shouldn't stay but being here... at least for a few more days... "Thank you" I whisper. I look back down at my hands. "I wish you would just tell me what happened." And I wish I could but I can't. This isn't something he can fix. I look back up at him and try to sound as convincing as I can "I told you what happened." He looks at me with so much sadness in his eyes. "Vic, I know you. I know there's something you're not telling me." I move a little closer to him. 

Lifting my hand up I let my fingers brush through his hair. Resting my hand on his cheek I say. "I love you Charlie... I love you so much... and if you love me too you have to let me go." I take my hand off his cheek and get up from the couch, walking back towards my room. If I would have stayed just a second longer he would have seen my tears. Back in my room I crawl underneath the blanket and cry. I don't know for how long I've been crying but eventually I drift off into sleep.