The Living Fictions

Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Have you already felt the dramatic pause? It was a sudden pause you feel everytime you discover something truly unexpected and this dramatic pause thing tends to happen to me everytime I'm reading a so damn good book. Akala ko'y hanggang sa libro ko lang iyon mararamdaman pero hindi ko inaasahan na mararamdaman ko iyon sa realidad. In moments like this. It was like the whole world pause for a while for me to think on what to say next but I still couldn't find those words.

I can't still get over even though moments had passed by. Gusto kong ulit-ulitin sa aking isipan ang tinig ni Ryden habang sinasabi ang mga katagang iyon. Siguro nga ay malalim na ang aking nararamdaman sa kaniya.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba ang mararamdaman ko. There's something in my head that tells me to be happy but I don't know why... I don't even know if I had already think about it. However, at the same time, I couldn't and wouldn't like to feel anything. Ang gulo ko di'ba? Kasi naman, hindi ko alam kung paano ako tutugon kay Ryden!

“Hey Aye, I'm sorry I probably shocked you. Uh, I'm sorry about that, dapat dinahan-dahan ko muna di'ba.”

Nakakahiya tuloy dahil bigla nalang akong natula. Anong gagawin ko? I know there are times that I feel happy seeing him and I miss everytime we don't see each other. I am happy waiting for his replies at night and him calling me before I sleep. I like all of those... uh, are those things the perks of falling inlove though? I'm not sure because the last time I checked, I don't feel anything at all towards him—well I often got pissed at him before. Pero dati pa 'yun!

I tried to smile. “Sorry, for the first time kasi may umamin sa'kin.”

I was about to slap myself because of my reason. Tsk, baka isipin nito masyadong lonely ang buhay ko kasi wala ako masyadong manliligaw. Tsk, hindi lang talaga ako lumilingon sa lalaki dati.

“Na-touch ka ba ng sobra?” Ginulo niya ang buhok ko sabay tawa.

“Panira ka!”

Pareho kaming nagtatawanan at inaasar pa niya ako sa iba-ibang bagay. May part sa'kin na kinikilig pero may part naman na naiirita ako sa mga pang-aasar niya. Argh, Aye ang gulo mo.

I don't know but I'm comfortable being with him because he brings such comfort to me. Makita ko lang siya, parang nanghihina ako na sumisigla. Is this also one of those perks?

“Kailan lang 'yan?” Wala sa sariling tanong ko.

“Ang alin?”

“Iyang uh—nararamdaman mo?”

“I don't know either.” He shrugged. “Bigla ko nalang nararamdaman and I don't want to deny it. Para saan pa? Denying your true feelings isn't helpful at all.”

Ang lakas ng pintig ng aking dibdib. May nararamdaman akong mga paru-paru na naglalakbay sa aking tiyan at pilit akong kinikiliti. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala talaga ang mararamdaman. Sa mga libro ko lang to nababasa dati e.

“Baka naman pagkatapos nito hindi mo na'ko papansinin?”

Umangat ang aking tingin sa kaniya. “Bakit ko naman gagawin iyon?”

I don't think na hindi ko na ulit siya papansinin. Eh gustong-gusto ko nga siya makita lagi, eh!

“Ayokong masira kung ano man ang meron sa atin ngayon, Aye. I'm not asking you to like me back but please respect my feelings.”

Ang lakas na ng pintig ng dibdib ko. I don't want this moment to end yet. Gusto ko munang makasama siya sa ganito. Talk about a lot of things.

“H-Hindi naman ako iiwas.”