The Assistant || Severus Snape x Reader ||

Chapter 35: Complicated Feelings

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"I think he didn't want you to feel like you had to fight for him because of someone who isn't even around anymore."

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Sleep didn't come easy for you that night. Your mind was working overtime to make sense of everything that you had been told. It was a messy web of details that confused you to no end. Severus Snape, the Potions master, was connected to Hogwarts' most important student in a way that you never (or anyone for that matter) would have expected.

It was surprising to hear that Severus had ever been in love, but it was even more shocking that the woman in question had been Lily Evans, aka Lily Potter. Although he didn't outright say it, you had deciphered that Severus and Lily were never an item. Their relationship was a one sided deal, and Severus got the short end of the stick. Severus also never said that he still loved her. He said that he loved her, as in past tense, meaning he didn't anymore. As much as you wanted to believe that to be true;

You weren't convinced.

If he really felt the way about Lily the way he said that he did, then you were sure that there was no way he was over her. He never had a chance to make amends. He lost someone that he loved without tying off a bunch of loose ends. He was missing a sort of closure. A closure that probably would've changed the outcome of the better half of his life.

You weren't sure how to feel about all of this. You weren't even sure how you were supposed to feel. Anger didn't seem like a suitable emotion for this. You could be angry that he didn't tell you sooner, but that wouldn't change anything. You could be jealous that his heart still partially belonged to another woman, but was there any point in being envious over someone who had been dead for over a decade?

A lot of questions were floating around in your head. Was your relationship with Severus secure if he still thought about Lily? Was he really not in love with her like he claimed to be? Did he really love you the same? Should he actually love you more?

For now, it was a lot to think about and you wanted to do so without his influence.

You snuck out from underneath him when the clock rolled around to 5:30 AM. You wouldn't be sleeping soundly anytime soon, and you really didn't want to bask in his presence right now. You got dressed quietly, leaving his room before he woke up. Classes wouldn't be starting for another three hours, but you needed to talk to someone now.

You gave the password to The Fat Lady and crept into the Gryffindor tower and tip-toed up the girls' dormitory stairs. You had been to Alicia's dorm plenty of times, but never this early in the morning. Everything was placid and quiet as you made silent footfalls into her dorm. She was completely zoinked out, completely dead to the world. Alicia had always been a heavy sleeper, so waking her up without waking up her roommates would prove to be a challenge.

The sheets and covers on her bed were thrown into a ball in the middle of her mattress. If you didn't know Alicia, you might mistake that she wasn't in her bed. But you knew her, and knew that she was tangled up in there somewhere. You approached the side of her bed, peeling back the sheets to reveal her sleeping form. Her curly, textured hair was sticking to her face, covering her eyes completely. You held down a laugh, shaking her shoulder gently.

"Alicia, wake up." You whispered.

Alicia didn't even stir. She just continued to lightly snore and snooze away. You groaned quietly, shaking her a little harder and raising your voice just a tad.

"Alicia. Come on, wake up." You pleaded.

Alicia's eyes opened finally, a startled snort escaping her throat. She huffed when she saw it was just you and not Oliver trying to sneak her out of her room. She raised her head from her pillow, irritation clear on her face.