Reviews with a Flare

World's Apart

Author: AzahRonnie

Read: I read the prologue and first 5 chapters.

Grammar.
This is always the worst topic, but it gets better from here. As long as you have a good foundation and story, grammar can always be fixed later. Let me know when this has been edited and I'd love to reread it. Now, here's what I noticed.

There's a few minor spelling mistakes, such as instances where it looks like you were typing so fast and missed a key. These mistakes are easily remedied and don't distract from the reading. Punctuation, however, is wreaking havoc upon the readability of your story.

Punctuation, when used correctly, can be a beautiful tool to use in your writing. However, you have littered your sentences with ellipses. Think of ellipses like a last resort. When you read a published book, ellipses are a rare sighting. When used too much, a tool can become weak. When used sparingly, it becomes impactful. Challenge yourself by putting a limit on how many ellipses you can use in your book. This way, your brain has to think of creative ways around the "crutch" you formerly used.

Additionally, I would recommend that you study up on the placement of commas. These will be your friend when creating emphasis. Commas are especially helpful during fight scenes. If you have run on sentences, no commas, and a lack of sentence variety, then readers won't understand these pivotal moments. I, so badly, wanted to understand your fight scene, but it was difficult to read.

Paragraphs.
Dialogue goes hand in hand with commas. There are specific rules to follow when writing dialogue and most of those rules involve commas. If you have questions about these rules, don't hesitate to reach out. Dialogue has been my specialty for a long time. Besides commas, you also need to capitalize the first word of every new sentence of dialogue.

Since I already discussed readability in the last section, I'd like to focus on organization. A lot of your paragraphs seem to be one sentence long. Don't get me wrong, this makes for a fast read. I enjoy a quick read, but this also left me craving more. If you really want to get fancy, try varying your paragraph length more often. Give us a paragraph with one sentence, five, ten, then jump back to two. Keep the readers on their toes. Try to let the paragraph length be determined by the action.

Characterization.
Dr. Eric Sage was a compelling character from the start. As a reader, I felt like I was getting into his head by reading the journal entries. I could feel his panic about the experiments. Even when you switched over to him interacting with his wife, I could see his hands shaking and how he was trying to mask his anxiety in front of others. Going from that scene to Bruce really helped set the tone.

Bruce did a good job of keeping the readers wanting more. I'm glad I wasn't overwhelmed with knowledge about him and just fed bits and pieces. We weren't focused on his hair, his height, or whether he had good looks. As readers, we were experiencing the first-day jitters with him. When it comes to his brothers though, it's hard to keep track of who is who. When you introduced Almira's point of view, I had completely forgotten which brother was the new one. There were too many names to remember and sort out, especially when you named all of the girlfriends, at the same time.

Almira Johnson is teetering on the edge of a cliché. The reason I say that is she has boys lined up, doesn't know her beauty, and she's not doing well with her education. This is the recipe for the classic cliché disaster. Trust me, I've read about her plenty in other books. Give me a talent that she does that's unique. What are her hobbies? What makes her tick, besides the Sage boys? What are her goals? Right now, I don't really see anything that motivates her. Who is Almira Johnson and why do your readers care about her?

Right now, your biggest motivator for Almira could be her mother. When she was describing her mother, those were your big high points. Use the emotional connection and turmoil that Almira experiences from having her mother in the ward. Both of her parents are in danger every day, one from physical outside sources and one from mental inside sources. Being in the middle of that situation would change a person, how did it change her?

Style.
You did a really good job of creating unique tones for Bruce's chapter versus Almira's. They both had their own voices. The tone for the chapters taking place in the past was so dark and grim. I loved it. The tone was very befitting of the situation and setting.

Overall, the mood seemed somewhat brooding to me. It had an overarching sense of doom that tied all of the different points of view together. This was also done well because it makes everything cohesive. You took so many different points of view and tied them together. That's a great feat to accomplish.

Plot.
The setting of the past has got to be my favorite. You did well with the descriptions. Once the editing helps clean up your sentences, those chapters will be to die for.

High school was, well, high school. I'm relieved there wasn't a lot of detail in this setting because I'm sure all readers just imagined the hell hole they grew up in. No need to torture us with a description if we've all been there, am I right? That was a good call on your part.

Your conflict was strongest when it involved the supernatural. Dr. Eric Sage? His conflict was worry, anxiety, and getting his research right. That's a believable conflict. Everything that took place in the past? There was a trail, pregnancy, enemies, love, lust, you name it! Those chapters were brewing with conflict! Bruce? His first day in high school. Conflict!

Almira? Her conflicts were kind of petty. She walked into a door. A jock was the one who opened the door. I didn't feel like there was much basis for how upset she became. If you lead up to it though, then we could see the conflict rising. Maybe she loses control of her emotions a lot since she hasn't had her mother around to help her. Maybe she's worried about her mother and father and that puts her on edge throughout the day. Spend time with your characters. Get to know them. Why did she get so upset? I've run into my fair share of walls and doors. I think we all have. What made this time worse than others?

In conclusion, I'm sure you already know this needs a thorough editing. However, I want to be the one to tell you this story has great potential. I can see you put in the work where it counts. You created a strong foundation for yourself by world building. I'm excited to see where this is headed. Keep writing!