Reviews with a Flare

Einia

Author: @ericson119

Read: characters, chapters 1-5

Grammar.
I noticed very minor grammar mistakes. A few words might be missing in a sentence here and there, most instances were during dialogue. There were quite a few longer sentences, but I'm not sure if they were run-on sentences.

Paragraphs.
Since this is such a unique style and layout, readability was somewhat low during the first few chapters. It took me a little while to understand your format. There's a lot of reliance on bold and special characters, like the tilde (~). You also had a lot of super long paragraphs when it came to scene description.

When it came to the action and scene descriptions, I couldn't make it through some paragraphs. Everyone has their own personal preference so this is just advice. I know a lot of readers enjoyed your descriptions and that's a good thing. Personally, when I see a huge paragraph that has the same sentence style and length throughout, it's intimidating and sometimes I'll just skip the whole paragraph. One of the biggest parts of editing is the process of omitting large chunks of unnecessary writing.

Finally, the context of your dialogue is superb. Each of your character's speech is completely unique and recognizable. This aspect of your writing stands out amongst everything else.

Characterization.
I've never seen anyone do interviews of their characters and I think it's brilliant. It's like a teaser trailer but for a book. The interviews also kind of reminded me of the beginning of The Incredibles.

Lax is very crude, rough around the edges, and tough. I love that we got to know his backstory before seeing him in action. He's an interesting character because all he shows to strangers in one-dimension. Then, when he's around his teammates, he shows a lot of care for them.

Jade is probably my favorite character. I hope you tell her backstory too. I actually can't wait for the backstory to how Lux, Jade, and Klaus grouped up. However, there's not a lot I know about Jade yet. She's seductive, caring, and a smooth-talker. In battle, she seems like the most powerful force there is since she has so such diverse abilities.

Klaus is an interesting character. His backstory is horrifying, but it definitely adds dimension to him. He's amazing for all that he's survived. I'm sure all of your readers hold him as such a precious character!

Style.
I'm so glad you changed the cover for the book. I hope that draws more readers in for you. The other cover was very dark, bland, and grainy. This new cover is a little more eye-catching, but it doesn't say a lot about your story. If you have something that resembles a video game cover more, then that would tell readers a lot.

When it comes to your style, it's one of the most unique things I've read recently. You definitely have video game commands down and the language that info boxes have when they pop up. The dialogue is super crude and reminds me of Deadpool, which could be a selling point for you. Overall, your style stands strong throughout what I've read.

Plot.
While the descriptors for setting are detailed, sometimes there are things that should be left up to reader's interpretation. There were some paragraphs I couldn't read because the amount of detail was overwhelming. Personally, I've never liked when writers tell me where each vase is, what's hanging on the wall, and where every piece of furniture is. The story slows down and it becomes an in-depth look to interior design.

Don't tell me the space, show it to me. Lux complains about all of the tables and chairs being broken so there's nowhere to sit but a stool. When Jade leaps over the counter, her hand is covered in a thick layer of dust that throws everyone into a coughing fit. I always tell writers that if they have a hard time cutting down, just remember if it's not important to the plot then it's probably not important to the readers.

Moving on to conflict and events, let me just say those chapters are super long. I like long chapters... sometimes. When it comes to the battles and characters discussing strategy, long chapters do really well. A treacherous journey such as breaking our of prison, long chapters do really well. However, your readers need to take breaks and have good stopping points. It seems like there were no less than two to three conflicts per chapter. That's a lot of conflicts for one chapter.

I would suggest cutting your chapters in half and giving each chapter one conflict. This way you and your readers get to focus on one conflict at a time. The buildup is slow and steady, which makes the conclusion much more rewarding in the end.

Overall, I would love to see this turned into a video game. I really want to see what you see since you're writing this in that style. It truly deserves to be created into a video game. It's like magic and apocalypse meet Assassin's Creed, so I just need to play this game.