Racing Desires

44. News

A/N: I know a lot of you are really angry with Dean (as he deserves), but please don't give up just yet. Things will hopefully be clearer in a few chapters

Dean's POV:

All I wanted and needed was some time with Kiara this weekend. Watching her every single day without being able to be close to her, seeing the pain I am putting her through written on her face, all of it was killing me.

I'm such a fucking jerk for the way I've been treating her the last couple of weeks. And it hurts like hell to know, that I possibly destroyed the best thing I've ever had in my life. Tyler had every right to say all those things to me. Although I'm glad Kiara has him, it scares the shit out of me at the same time. There's no way I want to watch her move on with, Tyler, Brad or an Igor.

That Igor guy was driving me fucking insane, the looks he gave her, the way his hand was on her back. Worse than anything though, was the way she responded to it, smiling at him, laughing with him. There was still the hurt in her eyes, but it lifted a little. God dammit, I don't want anyone else to lift that pain from her.

I want to be the one to make her laugh, smile and even swear as long as I know she loves me and the swearing is just her sassy way. That's one of the worst things I've done to her, I've taken that part of self confidence from her, which makes her this unique sassy girl. The one who drives me insane and at the same time I love this about her so much. At least I got to see some of it again during the weekend.

All I need is some more time, time to figure things out. Get her into the clear first. And once I have, she needs to know the full truth, needs to know I would literally do anything for her. Seeing the pics on the net beforehand sure hasn't made things easier, I should have stayed away from her just a little longer or made sure pics like that couldn't exist.

Last night perhaps shouldn't have happend it wasn't fair and sure not the right moment. But it's not like I regret it either. In my drunken mind I didn't care about the consequences all there was, was this craving for her. Not just sexually but to be as close to her as possible. Having her sleep in my arms again.

My mind has been going insane without her, no chance of sleep when I wasn't totally wasted. The only way to endure the past few weeks ever since Nadine walked back into my office, was getting wasted each night. And after our fight at the elevator when she ran down those stairs and escaped from me, things just got even worse.

And the way I had to blow at her in that moment was killing me on top. Knowing how badly I hurt her.

Maybe I should have talked to dad or Kiara about what's going on, but there was no chance I was going to risk everything. Dad would have gone insane over the whole matter anyway. If I could just go back and change things or linger in the moment of our holiday.

This girl has no idea how much she means to me and it's all my fault. Knowing what she thinks of me and what she thinks about us hurts so fucking bad. When she said I'm using her like a toy it felt like a slap into my face. No scratch that it tore my already aching heart out of my chest a slap would have felt like being caressed in comparison.

After leaving her room, I smashed quite a few things in my own room, before breaking down crying. This is a state I'm not able to take anymore, there's only been one point in my life I remember ever feeling so weak and helpless and that was during my childhood. The whole situation is scaring the shit out of me.

And here I am, sat in my lonely apartment my thoughts again driving me insane. She's only been gone for two hours and I already feel so lonely. Something I never experienced before her either. Jeez I'm even eating a god damn pizza, because it reminds me of our countless carb discussions. Maybe I should have asked if I could come to her race? Even if I worry about her each time, she's so amazing and fucking hot during a race.