Racing Desires

53. Missing

Kiara's POV:

Driving back with Dean feels great and uncomfortable at the same time. I wanted nothing more than to finally leave the hospital behind me. But the last time I was in Dean's apartment I left him, because I thought he cheated on me, I thought I was only a game to him. Now these emotions are unexpectedly crashing in on me again.

Going back there, triggers everything that has happend in the last couple of weeks and months. It's not like I don't understand why he did what he did and I know he loves me and I love him. But in moments like this I'm afraid of the next fall. At the moment I can't deal with falling even more.

My life has gotten a little out of control, at the moment my focus is solely on getting the control back and making sure my babies are safe. By now I know Dean would do anything for our twins and I'm sure he'd do anything for me too. I love the way, he holds and kisses me, the way he cares, the looks he gives me as if I was the most important person to him in the world. There's nothing I want more, but at the same time it scares the shit out of me.

Although I never wanted anyone to have so much power over me, I know he does. If he backed down now, I'd break like I've never broken before and that scares me. Even the god damn apartment scares me as it's part of our past. A past where my heart broke so badly, a past in which I was kidnapped and his mother wanted to kill me, a past I want to forget so badly.

But it's also a past where everything started off, I need to hold on to that part instead of letting my fear control me. Honestly, I can deal with being in a wheelchair. I'm going to fight hard to get out of it, but let's face it, just because it's my goal doesn't mean it's going to happen. Either way I can deal with it. It's not like I'm dumb, I know this is going to be damn hard and bring massive changes with it. No doubt it will probably frustrate me again and again when I realize there are so many things I'm used to doing which I can't do anymore.

The three weeks in a wheelchair in hospital could never prepare me for the real world out there. And let's face it, that's the next thing, Dean's apartment isn't exactly ideal for someone in a wheelchair. I'm lucky there's a spacious guest toilet on the main floor, but at the moment I can't even reach the bedroom or our main bathroom if Dean doesn't carry me up the stairs.

Which has been a point we've been discussing a lot lately. Dean insists on carrying me up and down the stairs, he's already placed a chair next to the stairs where I am to wait until he then drags my wheelchair up too. He wants me to be in his apartment, while I was thinking about using a hotel or something until we can move into our house.

My own apartment has already been cleared as I would have never been able to get up and down those stairs. And now I have to deal with Dean carrying me around like a baby until it's time to move. Me being so dependent on him is what scares me most I guess.

On the other hand I know there would have been no chance of getting Dean to live in a hotel with me, which would also be unreasonable if he paid a hotel in the town where he lives in an amazing apartment. Well and not to forget the pool and gym I'll be using for my therapy. Something I'll be provided with in our own house too.

Although I never wanted my name on the house Dean bought, he made sure to buy it in both our names. He says it's my kind of security and as it's going to be our family home, there's no chance I'm not going to be signed in on the papers. When we chose it I knew it wouldn't be cheap, after all we're talking about Dean Arlington buying a house. It was never his intention for me to find out how much he's really paying for it. Well guess what, while having to sign the papers I did trip over the part he tried to hide from me.

That house with the huge property cost freaking 6.5 million pounds. To say I lost it would be an understatement, guess the whole hospital heard how I cursed the hell out of Dean. And even more for setting my name up on it. That's his money not mine and I don't want to take advantage of it in any kind of way.