Racing Desires

51. Rollercoaster

Dean's POV:

*****5 weeks later*****

The last five weeks have been hell of a rollercoaster for Kiara and me. After taking a week off of work after we found her, I had to pick up my work as CEO, within the company, again. Especially seeing as I hadn't spent my time there since the accident anyway.

What didn't make things easier on either of us, was the whole media attention picking up the story. Although I put up security so nobody could get to her, she caught on what was going on due to the TV, newspapers, magazines and also through social media. Even if she couldn't use the mobile herself, Tyler and the others would show her if she requested it. Although I had told them to keep it away from her as it kept on triggering her.

While she had her tough face on during the day, she would wake up during the night screaming. And even with her being feisty beforehand, her mood swings plus the anger and fears she was feeling could make her unpredictable at times. Sometimes she'd totally blow for the smallest things and I'm not sure if it has to do with her hormones or if it's due to her trauma. I simply never know what I'm at with her anymore.

In some moments she wants me as close as possible and in the next she pushes me away. Due to all the secrets I kept from her, she's dealing massive trust issues. I know she loves me, but there are times and days where I'm not sure if I will ever be able to gain her full trust again. Even if she understands my reasons for doing the things I did, she says she needs time to deal with it.

I'm allowed to hold her at night and I'm allowed to kiss her forehead, but she won't let me kiss her lips and it fucking hurts. Damn I know I brought this rejection upon myself and if I could go back I'd do things different. Because all of those lies, even if they were meant to protect her, only brought us pain. For Kiara it brought unbelievable pain and a trauma on top, because none of my lies provented what I wanted to protect her from so badly.

Hearing her cry and scream every night. See the panic in her eyes everytime her door opens no matter how hard she tries to hide it, is killing me.

Although she doesn't trust me the way she should, Tyler and I are the only ones she talks to about what really happend in those three days. I wanted her to also talk to someone professional but the shuts off completely to it. Dr Pierce says she has to be prepared to talk about it and I can't force her talk to someone else.

I on the other hand have started talking to someone about it, talk about all the things she has told me but also about the guilt I feel for all of what she had to endure because of me. And how I'm afraid I might have lost her. She needs me close to comfort her, but on the other hand she keeps her emotional distance. The only time she losens up to me, is when we talk about the babies.

She's seventeen weeks along now and she's showing well. Her face lights up everytime we talk about our little ones. Yesterday we found out we're going to have a boy and a girl, which brought tears to both our eyes.

It's the thing I wished for most and at the same time fear so much. It reminds me of my sweet princess Hayley. Having a twin bond is special and over all the years I have missed her so much. With the twins on their way now, I know it's a special gift to have twins, just like my dad said. They will have each other like I had Hayley. And yet it reminds me of what I lost.

How would life have been, if she'd still be here? Would she freak out about becoming an aunt? Would I have been an uncle already? Kiara had brought that happiness back into my life, which had left with Hayley. That was until everything happend and now I'm so afraid of not getting it back.

We have talked about the whole thing a lot. She told me how she felt during our break up and what she found out during those three days about me. And I told her my side of the story, told her what my mother had done to me exactly. How I spent months in this hospital and all about the injuries I had suffered.