Stray Kids one shots || honeyndwild

Jisung | Best friends

He can feel it. Your touch, your breath, your lips on his skin. He can feel it as if you're really there, sitting on his lap in this dark, stuffy room. The interior is unfamiliar for him, different sofa, different tv, and coffee table, and even the curtains are different. But you're here, on his lap, grounding him, making him forget all of his questions.

He drinks you in. Your weight, pinning him to his seat. Your arms travelling up and down his chest and shoulders, your smiling lips and closed eyes. It seems real. Your touches feel real, and for a second Han forgets how to breathe. Losing himself in you, he suddenly feels satisfied. As if he finally found the answer to his questions. As if he finally can see the colours. And for a second he forgets that you're a friend.

And you ARE a friend. A closed one. Someone he knew for ages and was planning to know for even more. It feels right, you on his lap. His best friend, his buddy now on his lap, kissing his skin.

Suddenly he wonders why his hands aren't on you. Why he's sitting there, all motionless, when you're moving slowly, trailing down his neck with kisses, smiling, whispering something softly in his ear. And suddenly he feels the urge to touch you. To feel the fabric of your shorts and top, to feel your skin under his fingertips, to run a hand through your hair, to touch your lips and click your nose gently. Desire fills his body, making his heart beat crazily against his chest. Just touch her, his inner voice tells him, and he wants to follow, to make it come true–

But he can't.

You're here, millimetres away from him, and he can't touch you. Your weight is still perceptible on his laps. Your hands still trail his body, but he can't do anything about it. Can't give it back in return. Can't please you as you're pleasing him right now. Because he can't move his hands.

Suddenly it comes to him, the sensations in his body, how stiff it is, how numb his arms and legs are, how his back aches, how his head spins. And now, it's not so pleasurable, you on his laps. And now, it feels uncomfortable, you and your closeness. And now, finally, fear appears.

He can't think twice when the panic swallows him. It fills his whole body, from the top of his head to his feet, making it hard for him to breath. You keep kissing his neck and cheeks, and collarbones, but now all he wants is for you to just stop. He needs a moment to breathe. He needs some time to come back to his senses. To calm down. To understand what's going on. And he tries to say it to you, to get your attention. He tries to call you, opens his mouth, eager to whisper your name. But the voice leaves him. No sound comes out of his open mouth, and at that moment he feels so frightened he almost screams.

And he does scream. And he screams. And screams until the sound comes, and scares him to the point when he jumps on his own bed, fully awake.

"Fuck..."

His throat hurts, his back is damp with sweat. The heart is almost jumping off his chest, making him lean back on the pillows.

It's 5 am. One hour till he needs to wake up and get ready for the job. The sun rises slowly, carefully looks through the curtains. Jisung rubs his eyes, rolling on his back. The dream is still there, still perceptible, hanging in the air. His skin still prickles as if you're still touching him. And he shrugs, clearly remembering the feeling.

It's 5 am. He just woke up from his dream, from his nightmare. And he has an hour to think about it. An hour before he will meet you, as always, waiting for him at that bus stop. He knows he needs to solve it, his dream and the meaning of it. Because he knows he won't be able to look you in the eyes. And still, every time he closes his eyes, you're there. Smiling at him, kissing, touching him and his body. And he growls exhaustedly, massaging his temples. For fucks sake, today!.. Why he couldn't dream of something more– more decent?..

Why you? Why half-naked? Why on his lap? Why kissing? Why touching? Why so close? Why?! Why...

The questions swirl in his head, making him feel dizzy. And guilty. Yes, he feels guilty. For imagining you in this state. For enjoying your closeness. For wanting to touch you, to lead it to something more. You're his friend. His best friend. Like a sister, so close to him from the very beginning. And now, this...

Jisung sits up. The blanket hugs his body loosely, and he looks down at it, smoothing out the white pleats. He knows he needs to solve it. He must solve it. But– Fuck, how hard it is!..

He gets up and moves to the kitchen. His legs are still a bit numb from the dream, but he finds it rather pleasant to walk now, to make them ache a little before they return to their normal state. He knows they will return, and that's why now he feels calmer. One problem less, he thinks and turns the kettle on.

While the water is boiling, Jisung keeps thinking. It's hard to admit, but he has an assumption. It's the way he finds everything you do these days amazing. It's the way it's hard for him to stop looking at you, to stop checking you out. It's the way his heart beats a little too fast when you're around, and it's the way his body tenses when you slightly brush your hand over his. He knows the word, he knows how they call it, the feeling he has every time he looks at you. But it seems too ridiculous to say it out loud. He and– and you?..

But then he remembers your lips. The way they moved against his skin, the way they were soft and alluring and the way he wanted to touch them so badly, to feel them, to kiss them, and– Suddenly it occurred to him he still wants it. He still wants to taste them. He still wants to–

The kettle clicks, announcing that the water is finally boiled. Jisung sighs, turning it off and pouring himself a cup of tea. It's hard to admit, but he thinks he finally knows what it is. You, and your behaviour, and that dream... He feels like he finally solved the problem. It still is a bit hard to say it out loud, and Jisung knows it will take him some time to get used to it, to this feeling, to this new possibility. But, finally, he's slowly finding peace.

The sun keeps rising, its red rays dancing on the white surface of the cupboards. Jisung sighs, taking a sip. He knows the day will be hard. And stressful. But, somehow, he wants it to start as fast as it can. He wants to see you. He needs to see you. Because now he knows. It's hard for him to say it out loud that's why he whispers it, barely audible even for himself to hear.

"It was always you," he chuckles, taking another sip, savouring the taste of the tea, it's bitterness and warmth.

Yes, it was always you. From the very beginning. It was always you. Yes, you were just friends, and in his mind, he never crossed the line. But now he finally realized. It was always you.