You Have Come To The Right Place ~ (Sixx: AM)

Chapter Fourteen

**Author's Note**

Gonna make this short and sweet... I found out the other night that someone who I was in ED treatment with years ago passed away... I was gonna post this chapter tomorrow, but I felt like I needed to do it today. My heart is heavy and I'm just waiting for the world to start taking eating disorders/addiction/mental health more seriously.

That's why I'm writing this (and have wrote "Relief") in the first place... to raise awareness... to educate... to help others realize that they're not alone, and that it's okay to reach out for help.

With that being said... Hope you enjoy.

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JAMES'S P.O.V

Ten days later:

All I've felt is shame lately.

Pure, debilitating shame...

Shame that makes me want to crawl out of my skin and hide from the world. Shame that makes me want to pick myself apart and completely disappear. Shame that makes me want to neglect myself because I believe I deserve to.

However, despite that, I've been forcing myself to comply with everything that treatment has to offer. At this point, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm doing what's expected of me because I have to, but now it's feeling mechanical; almost robotic.

The days blur together when you've been forced to repeat the same thing for a prolonged period of time... That's what being here feels like now, although I will admit, Eliza's been spicing some shit up by introducing me to new exposures lately...

She's continuing to increase my meal plan and switch things up on my menus, but I've just sat through it all. I don't complain... I don't throw fits... I just do what I'm supposed to. I sit through the meals and force the food down my throat for the sake of compliance... I fight through the insufferable torment of being connected to my body twenty-four seven because I can't separate myself from it, no matter how hellish the experience becomes.

I'm complying with my medication regimen, although I still have intense fears attached to them; ones revolving around weight gain. There have been a few times where I almost got away with refusing the pills, but I talked myself into swallowing them without sneaking back to my room to spit them out.

I'm participating in all the therapy groups, even the ones that I'm not a huge fan of... Ones that make me feel vulnerable and exposed... I've tried to be consistent with playing the piano daily, even when I don't feel like it, because I don't want to disappoint Rachel... Of course I could lie and tell her I'm doing it, but I would feel like a shit hole for being dishonest... Plus, I've come to realize that even on the days that I'm not motivated to connect to my true self, I usually end up feeling more grounded when I force myself to play.

Opposite action works? How woulda' thought?!

As a result of doing so well, I've been granted more privileges. I'm still allowed to go on the group walks, as long as my weight doesn't drop. My bathroom observations are steadily lowering... I've been given more passes, which have gone okay, and because of that I've been given the opportunity to challenge myself to lunch down in the hospital cafeteria a few days a week; for exposure purposes.

Fun times.

That's been a real trip.

From an outsider looking in, it would seem like I'm feeling great about all of this and that I'm incredibly motivated... I don't want to make myself out to be a downer, but just because I'm doing everything that I have to, and I'm good at acting like I'm enjoying it, I'm not.