You Have Come To The Right Place ~ (Sixx: AM)

Chapter Nine

DJ's P.O.V:

I feel like right now my life is a lose-lose situation, and I don't fuckin' understand.

My urges to call James get so high that it sends my anxiety off the roof... When my anxiety skyrockets like that, I'm flooded with every single fuckin' memory that I've constantly been trying to run from... I'll drink to deal with that, but then the alcohol fuckin' wears off, and I'll either have a nightmare, or feel the same feelings all over again.

That's when I regret my decision to not call James, so then I give into the urges and call him, but in the end that doesn't fuckin' help either! The reassurance that I'm seeking isn't even helping anymore because in the back of my head I'm still incredibly terrified that James isn't being honest with me, and that he really isn't doing okay, and that these strangers who are taking care of him don't know what the hell they're doing—

There's a huge part of me that's aware of how irrational I sound right now, but it's really difficult to access that part when I'm in such a high state of panic. There's only one voice in my head that's loud and clear, and that's the anxiety-driven one. That's the one that's constantly telling me somethings wrong, and that I should check on James, and that something is gonna happen to him if I don't—

I know he's doing better! He's looking better... He's acting more like himself... He's complying with treatment, but... None of that matters because in these moments I can't freakin' remember that shit!

I just remember all of the bad things.

I'll go to visit him, and see him... But despite all of the facts that I know about what's really happening, I still see the sick James... The James that I found half dead on the goddamn bathroom floor... The memories pop up, I'll hide them, I'll look at James, and suddenly... boom! He changed from James in recovery, to James fuckin' dying.

I'm so confused!

Nothing fuckin' works anymore! Calling him was supposed to help the anxiety, but it doesn't! Not calling him only escalates everything, so then I drink... I drink even if I do call him because I know I'll be this close to going into a fuckin' breakdown over the phone if I don't. Visiting him doesn't ease anxiety any-more because even though I see he's physically alive, and breathing, and okay.... My brain still convinces me otherwise!

I don't get it!

I don't get why any of this is happening!

It's like I can't tell what's real or what's not any-more and that's a fuckin' horrible feeling! It's even worse feeling like there's something seriously wrong with you... I don't even know what's wrong with me! I don't know why my brain is fucked up. I don't know why I don't seem to know how to stop the memories in my head or the nightmares that attack me every night! I don't know anything!

This honestly sucks so much... and I think what's worse about it is that I still can't tell anyone. I want to open up, but at the same time, I don't. I don't because I'm terrified that they'll think I'm insane, and I don't want to process everything I'm already feeling... It's horrible enough trying to run from it all... It's horrible enough to deal with it in the periods of time when I'm not disconnected and numbed out from the alcohol... I just can't fuckin' do it!

I can't say anything even though I have a sick feeling that others are noticing... I can hear James's concern whenever I call him, and I see the looks he gives me when I'm visiting... It's hard because I wish I could tell him! I wish I could tell him everything but I can't.

Nikki already knows something's up, but I can't fuckin' tell him either... Even though it's Nikki, and I'm not an idiot... I know Nikki knows something. I know Nikki can see through everything, but I still can't find the strength in me to be honest...