You Have Come To The Right Place ~ (Sixx: AM)

Chapter Nineteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

SURPRISE...Early update, I know...But honestly, I've been having a full-on confidence crisis regarding my writing so I realized I need to post this so then I don't overthink / obsess over it... because that's what's been happening. It drives me NUTS! So...voila! A gift to my lovely readers... (and plus, I guess this can make up for the extremely long waits for chapters in the past...)

This one is a little heavy, so please read the warnings as follows:
**DISSOCIATION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEATION, SOMATIC MANIFESTATIONS OF ANXIETY (NAUSEA, LOSS OF APPETITE, THROAT-CLOSING SENSATIONS), TRAUMA RESPONSES (FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE)***

PS.....You'll learn even MORE about James here (it's all from his POV so brace yourself...)

PPS...next update won't be nearly as fast as this one, but at the moment i'm aiming for weekly/bi-weekly updates!

Enjoy...and please take care of yourselves!

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Four days later

JAMES'S P.O.V:

Just when I thought that things were getting better , they've gone the complete opposite.

Everything feels a thousand times harder all of a sudden...I know I've said that before because I've been abstinent from purging, but this feels different. It's been practically two weeks since I've forced myself to push nutrients out of my body so I was expecting the struggles around that to be easier...I'm always told that as more time passes and you continue to push through, the struggles begin to dissipate.

This hasn't been the case, at all ...

Going through treatment with less freedom and more control taken from me is the farthest from easy, but I already knew that...This is more than that...It's hard to explain. I've just noticed that since the day Rachel touched on my past in our therapy session some weird things have been happening...

For the longest time, I wasn't confronted with the emotions and events of my past as directly as I am now with Rachel, and because she's starting to dig, it feels like suddenly all of these disturbing emotions have been bubbling back up to the surface. Some of these feelings are familiar; natural...The ones like self-hatred, shame, guilt, and insecurity. But others...some I just can't pinpoint.

As if I wasn't already constantly suffocated by uncomfortable feelings, now everything feels about a hundred times worse... My moods have been goin' up and down like a damn roller coaster these days. Not only am I more irritable than usual, for what seems like no apparent reason, but my depression is leading me to withdraw. I'm finding it difficult to drag myself to groups without prompting and leaving my room is becoming a struggle again. I've been feeling spacy every so often, which is a confusing feeling...It's been difficult focusing in groups because my mind never feels clear now...All I think about is therapy , what will be discussed in therapy, and how to avoid said discussions... But, my mental state is only half of this.

The food is the other.

I've been having a lot of trouble finishing my meals and snacks, and maybe that shouldn't be so much of a shock because it's not something completely new, but the extent that it's occurring now is unsettling. It seems like it came out of nowhere...My appetite has been completely nonexistent for the last few days. That fucks with my head in so many ways because its hard enough to eat on a normal day, but it's near excruciating to shove food down your throat when you feel like your body is about to reject it. That's right...It's not just my lack of appetite that's screwing me up. It's not just the fact that I don't feel hungry.