You Have Come To The Right Place ~ (Sixx: AM)

Chapter Five

JAMES'S P.O.V:

Day Thirteen

You know what the weekends are like here in treatment?

Boring.

Unless you're going on a pass, which I'm definitely not. I haven't been here long at all, and I'm still too medically unstable to be able to do anything, so that's not gonna happen anytime soon... So, if you're like me, stuck in the facility over the weekend, you're basically doing nothing. I mean, it's not like I've been doing much anyway, but there's a lot more structure during the week. On the weekends, there's no sessions with your therapist, or dietitian... There's an on-call Doctor just to do morning check ins, and a therapist who runs one group in the morning, but that's it. The rest of the day is just filled with food... and staying in my room, of course.

The visiting hours are a lot longer on the weekends though, so at least that gives some distraction. See, that's the thing... Even though I'm not too thrilled about going to the groups all the time, I can acknowledge that they at least give me some sort of distraction from everything... But on the weekends, I just have to sit with everything, and it's horrible.

I am so mentally tortured by body dysmorphia and irrational thoughts about food that I've been numbing myself out during meals just to get through them. I feel like the only motivation to complete everything right now is so I get to use my phone... and I think that's pretty pathetic. I'm done with this stupid eating disorder but this is so goddamn hard that I'm just forcing the food down my throat... I know that if I let myself feel the real emotions while eating, that I physically won't be able to eat it...

But after the meal, it's a different story. That's when I feel everything, and I run over to my room to hide by my closet and then I start breaking down... and the body distortions begin, and the guilt and intense anxiety start, and all of the obsessions and self-deprecating core beliefs flood my already violated mind, and I am officially imprisoned. Trapped, violated, unsafe - locked up.

And then it all stops. I become numb... until the next piece of food touches my mouth, and it happens all over again.

~ ~ ~

3:30pm

We just finished a weekend music therapy group, and I'm feeling a lot right now.

I was happy to be in that group, but now I'm back in my room and I'm just... sad.

I miss performing, and miss doing what I love, and I know that if I wasn't here that's exactly what I would be doing. It's so hard to remind myself that I'm here for a reason, even though I know I am, because I know I'm missing out on so much...

I miss the person that I used to be, and I hate that everything led to this. I hate that I did this to myself and now I'm stuck here, and I hate that all of this is so hard, despite how much I don't want to live this way. I hate that everyone here has to see me like this, and I hate that I feel like I can't connect to who I was before this happened.

Part of me is wondering if this is it... that I'm gonna live like this for the rest of my life... Will I actually overcome this? I'm not feelin' so hopeful because everything feels horrible right now. Things are getting mentally worse for me, and I know everyone says things get worse before they get better but I'm not handling this well at all...

~ ~ ~

Day Fourteen:

I don't know what's goin' on with my body, but for the past few days since I've started eating all of my food here, I've noticed some weird things happening.