Unfathomable

14.

Madara:

"You have everything?" Mother asked.

"Yes."

"Skiing boots? You can always rent skis." I might have been mistaken, but she did sound worried and sad for me.

"We won't ski, mum. We'll be doing other things."

I slung a weekend bag into the trunk of the car Hashirama had rented, where his bag already was, alongside his suitcase as he was just dropping me off afterwards before leaving for the airport to take him home to Russia.

"You ready?" he asked with a warm smile, and I felt myself shiver for some reason. He wore a grey polo cardigan, black jeans and a leisurely, checked jacket that looked good for hiking. He also had toffee brown hiking boots that looked used.

"Yes", I said. "Goodbye, mum and dad." I kissed my mum's cheek. "Sonia." I hugged her. Then, I went to Izuna, put my hands on his shoulders and hugged him close to me. "You're doing great", I murmured into his ear. "Tobirama is crazy about you." He looked away and blushed, and my heart clenched. It felt strange, somehow; it had always been Izuna and me. But now, there was someone else, another man I might have to share him with. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would as I felt Tobirama was someone I could trust and, more importantly, Tobirama was someone I could trust with Izuna.

"Thank you for entrusting your son with me", Hashi said to my parents, and he shook my father's hand and hugged my mother and Sonia.

I was grateful. I was so incredibly grateful for this getaway, really. First of all, not having my skis was agony and I needed to occupy my mind. But most of all, this weekend was the weekend of the annual national championships I'd told Hashi about, that I wasn't allowed to participate in. Or rather, I was nineteen so I could decide for myself, but I couldn't afford it because the cost was astronomical, and my parents wouldn't help me. Every year, this weekend was agony, and I mostly kept myself locked in my room so I wouldn't get any news of the competition. I felt terrible, knowing I could participate and win, instead wasting away in my room.

We sat in the car, me snuggly next to Hashi, and Hashi started the engine and we drove away.

The car drive was amazing. I had been afraid it would be stiff between us, not having conversed that much before, but Hashi was warm and chatty, and I found I spoke without hesitation in a way that was unusual for me. We drove through the beautiful scenery of the Swiss Alps to our first destination. Speaking of which...

"Hashi, you haven't told me where we're going this weekend! It's Thursday, and we are back on Sunday. Where will we stay?" At this, Hashi got the sneakiest smirk on his face. "Hashi, you're worrying me. Are you kidnapping me?" I asked, only half-joking.

"Sorta..."

"Hashi!!"

"Sorry, sorry", he chuckled. "No, don't worry. If it's okay with you, I would like to keep it a secret until we arrive."

"Fine", I said, mock-pouting. Suddenly, something struck me. "Hashi..."

"Mmm?" I could see hem looking at me sideways.

"That woman... That woman in the bar..."

"What about her?"

"Who was she?"

"You're jealous?" He sounded genuinely surprised.

"No!" I said, a bit too quickly. "No, it's not that... It's just... I was curious, that's all."

Hashirama looked forwards on the road, seemed to be thinking about something. And he thought for a long time.

"Hashi, if you're considering if you should tell the truth or lie, please... Please just tell the truth."

Hashi nodded. "Okay", he said. "Okay." He took a deep breath. "Because I was jealous."

I was taken aback. "Of whom?"

"Of that blonde boy."

"Lucas?" I asked, surprised.

"So that's his name", he said calmly, a hint of venom in his voice if never heard before.

"Why were you jealous?"

He looked at me properly then. "Isn't it obvious?", he asked. I thought about that time I talked to him as he was in the bath, the night I cut his hair, the kiss... "I like you, Madara. I'm not much for relationships or sexual relationships, but I wanted to try if I could make my feelings go away with someone else. I don't consider myself a jealous person. At least not more than others. But that night, I was jealous. I couldn't stand it when he pulled you away again."

"Again?"

"I saw you the first night, too. Actually, I heard you."

"What?!"

"Yes. From the room next to mine." Oh, shit.

"I'm sorry", I said, not knowing what else to say.

"Please, don't apologise. You did nothing wrong. And it was kind of hot. Only..." I waited for him to continue. He didn't.

"Hashirama, don't make me ask."

"Only I wished I was the one dragging those sounds outta you."

Hashirama

The drive continued in silence for a while after that. It wasn't an angry silence, but rather a shocked one. Shit, what had I done, revealing all of that? Would I scare Madara away? I was twelve years older... Was I a horrible person? Should I just step back? What if Madara felt forced to join me on this trip because I asked his parents first? In front of him, even? What if-

"Hashi." It wasn't a question, more like a statement.

"Yes?"

"Calm down."

"What?"

"Calm down, You're grabbing the steering wheel so hard, you have no blood in your hands. There's a parking spot over there for taking a break, stay there."

"Now?"

"Yes, I'll take over the wheel from here."

"You can drive?"

"Yes! Now, stop!"

I did, parking the car in the small square in the middle of the mountains.

"Now... Madara leaned forwards, grabbed my hands on the wheel and put them in my knee. Then to my great surprise, he unbuckled his seat belt, clambered off the seat and straddled me. I swallowed. He put his hands on my shoulders ."Relax these. Gosh, they're stiffer than Izuna's shoulders when he's thinking about your little brother." I couldn't help but smile a little. Those two were perfect together. "Hashi", Madara said again and started playing with my hair, looking me into my eyes. I lifted one hand up, put it on Madara's thigh. They were rock-hard underneath my hand from all that skiing. "That second night, Lucas didn't pull me." I was taken aback. "He took me out because I was having a panic attack because I was jealous of that woman." I just looked at him. Was he serious? Madara looked sideways. "Hashi, I haven't told you this, but I have a feminine side inside me I haven't dared to explore. I identify as a man, but I am dying to wear a dress at some point! And seeing you with a creature that feminine, knowing I can't do that..." Madara... He looked at me then. "Something within me died. I couldn't take it."

I lifted my hand, took a strand of his long, black hand in my hand, put it behind his ear. "Madara", I said. "Madara, you dress however you want. You identify however you want. I don't care. I'm pan. And that means I also like men. Madara, I like masculinity, too. Please, please don't feel inferior to anyone because their more feminine than you."

"Hashi, thank you..." Madara said.

And he connected our lips.

The kiss was slow, deep, hungry. Madara put his hands on my face, and I put mine on his waist, feeling him underneath his oversized, cozy knitted cardigan.

And we kept kissing in the mountains, the implication of what we'd just confessed to each other dawning on us like the soft snow falling outside the windows, landing on the mountains.