Unfathomable

27.

Madara:

We had the soft lamp on my bedside table on, but the rest of my room was dark. We could hear Tobirama's soft snores coming from Izuna's bedroom.

"It doesn't bother you?"

Izuna smiled warmly, looking down a little. "No. You can just nudge him a little with your foot, and he will turn over and stop. Or, I can just kiss him. That usually shuts him up."

I couldn't smile. I just started playing with Izuna's hair. We were laying in my bed the next night after I came home from hospital. The house was quiet, our parents and Sonia still away. I had told Izuna I did now want our parents to know, and he had reluctantly accepted. It was past midnight, but we were wide awake. Izuna lifted his fingers and started playing with my hair, too

"Madara..." Izuna whispered. "Did you want to die? Or was it a cry for help?" I looked away, not wanting to answer. "Madara... Please, allow me this one truth."

"You know I never beg for help", I said in a low voice.

Izuna shuffled closer, hiding his face in my chest. I put my arms around his shoulder blades, hugged him close, kissed the top of his head.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Izuna asked.

"I didn't know. It was very sudden. I just lost control. I hadn't felt anything before that."

Izuna looked up at me, tears in his eyes. "Do you feel it now? That you want to die?"

I placed my hand on his cheek. "No."

And to my great surprise, he started wailing. "Oh, thank God!" And he cried his heart out.

"Oh, my God. Izuna... Izuna, Izuna, Izuna... I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry..." I held him, kissed the top of his head.

"What if you died? What would I have done if you died? I couldn't live with myself if you died while we didn't talk.l! Madara, I wouldn't want to live! Don't you understand?!" He sounded desperate now. "Don't you understand what you did to me?!" Tears started streaming down my face. "WHY?"

"You know why-"

"Is it because I'm a cripple?" He looked up at me. I just stopped dead.

"What?"

"Are you avoiding me because you can't handle I can't walk? Is it because you hate having a crippled little brother?" Terror was grabbing at my heart. "I know it's not optimal, but, and this will sound crazy, I DON'T CARE! Sure, I wish it had never happened, I wish I hadn't thrown myself off that stupid off-piste, but I did! And I'm HAPPY I survived! I don't wish I had died! I still LIKE my life! It's inconvenient, but I'm fifteen! When I'm thirty-one, I will have been wheelchair-bound for longer than I could ever walk. I will have gotten used to it! I'm still snowboarding! I still have my brain to excel at school so I can study medicine at Oxford and be with my boyfriend! I still have my heart containing all my love for Tobirama and for you!" He grabbed my face now, his voice coming out in squealed, tears streaming down my face. I was shocked into silence. "Madara, I'm still the same!!"

He was panting out of exhaustion from having spoken so much. Tobirama's snores had subsided, and I suspected he was awake now. I didn't care. I put my hand on Izuna's cheeks. "Izuna, no... No, no, no, no, no. I didn't speak to you because it was all my fault." Izuna's eyes largened. "I shouldn't have said what I said. Of course I didn't mean it, Izuna. Yours and Tobirama's love is the most beautiful love I've seen. I want you to last forever, and I think you will. I did you wrong, and instead of standing up to it and apologising, I got depressed and tried to protect myself by shutting you out. It's the most selfish thing I've done. And I'm sorry."

"I never blamed you", Izuna said. "Not once."

"I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology."

"Thank you", I said, my voice croaked. "Izuna, thank you."

He placed a small kiss on my lips then. Izuna was like that; physical without it ever becoming weird. "Can I have my brother back?"

"Yes. You are the most precious thing to me. Have always been." I said, hugging him close.

"Always", my little brother whispered into my ear.

"Madara..."

I heard birds chirping outside my window.

"Madara!!"

Hashi..?

I opened my eyes. My bed was empty, Izuna's wheelchair not there anymore meaning he'd gone to spend time with Tobirama. But suddenly, my door flung open and Hashi ran in.

"Oh My God, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God..." He took five steady steps to my bed and took my face in his hands. "Madara, are you okay?!" He looked terrified, his eyes wild, and he had clearly been crying. What was he doing here? I had never seen him even remotely close to this distressed.

"Hashi..."

He took me into a bone-crushing embrace then. "Thank God... Thank God you're alive..."

I hugged him back. "Did Tobirama tell you?"

"Please don't be mad at him", Hashi said, and I couldn't help but smile a little at this plea.

"No... Of couse not."

"Why didn't you call me?" Hashi asked, holding me at arm's length.

"I honestly don't know what happened, Hashi. My brain just locked itself. I was barely conscious of what I was doing. I am sorry."

"Don't", he said. "You're fine. You will be fine. And we leave for England soon."

I clung to him then, breathing in the familiar smell of his hair, and he laid in bed next to me and just held me for a while.