Unfathomable

21.

Madara:

I hated to admit it, but the more the days passed of spring break, the more miserable I became. All that was on my mind was Hashi, Hashi, Hashi and I felt pathetic. When I had had classes, I could use my studies to take my mind off things. So at least it had the positive effect of me doing very well study-wise this term as I drowned myself in my books and PDF-files. But now, I was only occupied for the hours I was out skiing, and it became more difficult to prevent my mind from walking down a dark path. Izuna was a person who talked a lot when depressed. I however, was not. I closed up within myself, not letting anyone in. I knew Sonia noticed. She didn't say anything, but once she came up to my room with a slice of poppy seed lemon cake with white frosting and a mug of tea, for both me and her, and asked if she could join me watching skiing on YouTube. It was a feast, as she always commented very harshly on the men going downhill.

"A Russian! Look how flat his ass is! His mum didn't feed him good? She should be ashamed! She's embarrassing all mothers of Russia!"

"Oh, a hot Swedish blonde. I love how they have their pictures so you can see what they look like underneath those goggles. Yes, mommy likes that."

"The Canadian fell! How could he fall! My grandma can ski better than him and she's been dead for a hundred years!"

In the end, I was shrieking with so much laughter tears were streaming down my face.

"When are you competing in the big competitions, Madara?"

"Oh..."

That was another thing. I had expected to be contacted by some agency or trainer or something after I swept the floor with everyone in the national championships. However, there had been nothing. It didn't bother me as much as the absence of Hashi, but it was always in the back of my mind and created dark thoughts within my soul. Why does nobody want me? What am I doing wrong? What am I LACKING?

The second week of break, I woke up on the Monday and just couldn't get up out of bed. I just couldn't. Get out. It was a splendid day, with a crisp blue sky and no wind, the temperature way below zero making it the most perfect day for skiing yet this year. But I still couldn't get up. I put my head back on the pillow and slept for two extra hours. Then, I just stayed in bed, dozing back off to sleep from time to time, waking up, falling asleep again. I was so tired. So. Tired. At lunch, Sonia came in to me with a tray of food.

"You've missed breakfast. Here, eat well. You need energy."

I tried, but could only get two bites of the mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy and salad in me, and even those two bites were a fight. In the end, I just lay the tray aside and fell asleep again. When I woke up, it was getting darker out, and the tray was gone. I went up and took a shower and brushed my teeth, but when I was done, I was so exhausted, I just went back to sleep and slept until Tuesday morning. And it went on like this. On the Thursday, Izuna came into my room.

"Hi", he said, smiling a little.

"Hey, you", I said, reaching my hand out, and he took it, stepping close to my bed. "Where's your date?"

Izuna looked away and blushed. "Actually... He's my boyfriend."

I sat up in excitement, way too quickly because black spots started swimming before my eyes and I had to back down again.

"Easy, Madara, easy." He sounded so worried, it made my heart bleed. "Madara, I came to talk to you..." He looked away, as if nervous. "This..." He swallowed. "This can't go on. Madara, you need to get a grip." I looked at him, my vision coming back, surprised. He had never said anything like this to me before. "I know why you're like this. I know why you're depressed. I know it's Hashi. I've spoken to Tobirama, and he's fine with giving you Hashi's number."

"He... He knows why Hashi hasn't spoken?"

Izuna shook his head. "No. Sorry. They haven't talked much seeing they live in different countries and have both been busy, and you haven't been mentioned in their conversations." My heart sank. "Sorry. But take his number! Text him! Call him! See what's up! Your dignity isn't worth your health."

Something was stirring within me. Something unfamiliar. At first, I thought it was hope, as I imagined phoning him, him picking up, us talking and realising how much we'd missed each other. But then I realised that if he'd missed me, he would've done something about it. Should've. And that tingling hope was quickly replaced by a bubbling rage. But I had felt rage before, many times, yet the feeling was new.

The feeling was new because the rage was directed at Izuna.

"How... How dare you?!" I screamed, looking at him with wild eyes, making him flinch, retracting his little hand from my larger, warmer one. He looked terrified, not used to this, either. "You can't come to me with these sort of advice, Izuna! Just because you're in a happy relationship doesn't mean you know what's best for me!" Somewhere deep, deep within me, a voice was telling me to stop, that this was wrong, so, so wrong. Some part of my heart clenched as I saw Izuna's eyes fill with tears as his sensitive soul was beaten raw by my harsh words. And harsher they would become... "It's so easy for you to tell me what to do but you have no idea! No idea! What you and Tobirama have... It's not real!" This part was what I would come to regret the most, for the rest of my life. "You're children!! It's gonna end within the year!! So don't you dare come here tell me what's good for me!" I was sputtering at this point, a complete madman. Izuna just looked at me, his eyes widened in surprise, tears streaming down his face. Then, he turned and ran out.

My head started to swim, and I lay my head back on my pillow, exhausted, breathing heavily. Then, before I had time to feel any regret, I fell asleep before I could stop myself.

I woke up to stirring downstairs. Someone was screaming incomprehensible nonsense. I blinked myself awake and got up out of bed, still in pyjama trousers and a T-shirt, and tiptoed down to see what it was all about. I came down to find Tobirama walk back and forth, back and forth in the hallway, eyes wild.

"Tobirama, my dear..." My mother came out of the kitchen, followed by Sonia drying a plate, and my father poked his head out of his study. "What's wrong?"

He screamed words of nothing, pointing and gesturing wildly. Time suddenly stopped, and I felt panic surge through my heart. My father went to him, put his hands on Tobirama's shoulders, forcing him to stop and calm down.

"Tell me, son. What's wrong."

"Avalanche... There was an avalanche."

Oh... Well, that's all fine, then.

My mother apparently thought the same. "Oh, don't you worry, dear", my mother said. "Those happen from time to time at this point in the season. There are warning signs so nobody goes off-piste at this point."

Tobirama turned to her, his face ashen. And it struck me. No... Tears streamed down his face, smudging his red stripes out. No no no no no no NO!

"Izuna... Izuna is out there."

My heart stopped.

I fell down to my knees.

Everything around me disappeared.

Everything except those harsh words I'd uttered to my loved little brother.

There was ringing in my hears, and black spots swam before my eyes.

I fell forwards on my hands and knees.

I could feel Tobirama's furious eyes on me.

"It's your fault..." he said, eyes shooting daggers that pierced my soul, made it shatter into a thousand pieces in a way that would make it unable to fully heal, ever. "Izuna said he'd go off piste to forget what you said."