Unfathomable

20.

Madara:

Easter came, and on the last Friday before the break, I was heading home. I had had my midterms and had two weeks off for spring. I was happy to say my exams had gone well, but I was excited to go home to ski.

But that was nothing compared to Izuna. He had phoned me every night the last week.

"It's only seven more days! One week!!"

"Only five more days!"

"There... Three more days..."

"Tomorrow. He's coming tomorrow. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

He was crying. I was so, so happy for him. I wasn't even mad he wasn't counting the days before I came home as he usually did. I was arriving Friday evening, and Tobirama Saturday morning. I had decided to take the train home, wanting to relax a bit with my book on the train with tea in the dark going through the Swiss alps. It was amazing. But when I got off the train, it felt good to have Izuna throw himself into my arms.

"Just one more sleep", I whispered into his hair, holding him close to me. "Tomorrow this time, you will be together."

At dinner, I noticed Izuna had trouble eating, and was jumping his leg up and down. I knew he would get little sleep. After dinner, I took him to the side.

"Bring your bed cover to my room", I whispered, as if it was a secret. "And all your pillows. And all your little lamps. Bring tea, strawberry cookies and everything else you wanna eat."

"Are we..."

"Yes. Yes, we are. I know you won't be able to sleep anyway."

When we were little, we used to make tents by putting blankets and bed sheets over chairs we'd put in a circle, and then sleeping in there. It had been so much fun, and some of my best memories were from us setting those tents up together as children. But we had grown quite a bit since then, so now we needed several chairs, both of our bed sheets and several blankets. We placed spare duvets our parents kept for guests as mattresses, and also brought our own pillows and mattresses to sleep on. Izuna brought his desk lamp and bedside lamp, and I took mine inside as well, and when we were done, we stood in my room inspecting our tent, and the lights lit up so cosily that I felt myself become giddy with excitement by the thought of crawling in.

And what a night we had! We ate cookies, drank tea, and just talked. For hours. He told me about  what he and Tobirama had planned to do, and I told him how I'd planned to ski these two weeks. I told him funny stories from uni, and he told me gossip from his high school. It was an amazing night, and in the end, when I lay holding Izuna close to me, I could feel his breathing pace slow down, and his responses became slower and less comprehensive. In the end, he fell asleep, and I kissed him on the head and felt my own eyelids became heavier and heavier, too. And I was soon fast asleep next to my little brother.

Hashi hadn't contacted me, nor had I contacted him. It had been agony. I lived in a constant state of nervousness that I seemed unable to shake off me. As soon as my phone pinged, I jumped on it, despite knowing better. I knew it wouldn't be him. Yet, I always hoped. Why couldn't he be like Tobirama? Tobirama was obviously much, much shyer, yet he and Izuna communicated constantly. I had no idea what I had done wrong to scare him away. Those thoughts consumed me daily but was pushed to the side now as I tiptoed out of my bedroom, careful not to wake Izuna up, still asleep in our little tent. I had heard stirring from downstairs of mum and dad and a third person, and I had a guess who it might be...

"Hello, Tobirama", I said mildly.

He looked at me with a shy smile. God, that boy looked fantastic in black suit pants, a grey, long shirt he hadn't tucked in and a thin, white body harness. His hair was longer than last time but its usual mess and he had his red stripes on his cheeks. "Hi", he said shyly. "Izu... I mean Izuna..."

I smiled. "Upstairs, in my room. I'll show you."

I took him up the stairs to the landing, then pointed to my room where Izuna still lay. I could see Tobirama swallow. "Is he awake?"

"No. He's sleeping. You go wake him up now."

I couldn't help but tiptoe after him, carefully so he wouldn't notice, and stand in the doorway, observing how he walked slowly to the tent. It was as if he was dragging the moment out, as if wanting to indulge in it as much as possible after having fantasied about it so many times. Go, I egged him on in my mind. Go!

He bent down, looking inside the tent, and I could see tears were streaming down his face as he looked at Izuna's tiny, sleeping figure. I couldn't see Izuna, but Tobirama sat there and just observed, hand to his mouth, muffling his tears. In the end, he couldn't hold back a small sound escaping his vocal cords as his crying became to heavy to hold in, and I could hear sheets stir from within the tent.

"Tobes..?" I heard Izuna's groggy voice.

Then Izuna screamed. And he shot out like a cannon ball out of the tent, throwing himself over the kneeling Tobirama, and he was pushed over and they hugged and they cried. For minute after minute, I observed as they full-on ugly-cried, holding each other so close it must have physically hurt, Tobirama on his back, Izuna over him, showering kisses all over his face, saying things to each other I did not understand. It was beautiful. God, it was beautiful.

I knew it wasn't my moment to observe, not really, so I forced myself out of there, back through the corridor and down the stairs. Mum stood there, dusting a shelf.

"Still no word from Mr Senju?" she asked.

I gave her a sad smile. "No, mum."

As I turned a corner, I came across my dad. He held out my skis for me. "Off you go. Ski your sadness away. I will make French toast for when you come back."

"Thank you", I said, still not used to this support from my parents.

I went and skied my heart out.