Unfathomable

24.

Author's note: Trigger warning, contains self-harm. Please don't read if it might trigger you. It's important to me you take care fo yourselves.

Madara:

"No... No..."

"Madara..."

"No!!"

"I'm so sorry, Mr Uchiha."

I screamed.

Hashirama was holding me from behind, offering equal parts comfort, equal parts prevention. He knew I would run away if he let me go. To where, I didn't know.

"Wasn't there anything you could do?" Hashirama asked, and I could hear the tears in his voice that he was trying to hold back.

"We did all we could. He had been in the cold for too long."

I felt the world around me disperse and disappear, the last words I had said to Izuna etched into my heart forever. I knew this meant everything would change, and nothing would be the same again. My shattered soul liquified and melted away into a black hole, where it would be kept forever.

"Focus on me. Madara, hang in there. Focus on my arms around you. You feel the pressure? Focus on it. You don't have to think about anything else now. Just my arms."

Hashirama kept on going like this, and I tried to listen. But it was hard, everything I had taken away from my little brother flashing by my eyes in the fraction of a second. Izuna, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry.

And with that, I locked my heart in a place I doubted it would ever be able to escape.

I was sitting in a chair in the hospital, jumping my leg, my hands clasped together. I wished Hashi was here with me, but he had gone to buy us food as we hadn't eaten for a whole day. I realised how starving I was and felt terrible because I knew I would be able to eat up without any problem.

"Me Senju..." I looked up and met the warm eyes of Izuna's doctor. "You may see him."

I was up on my feet in an instant. I was nervous. So, so nervous. I stumbled several times as I followed the doctor down a mint green corridor to the end of it. As I came closer, I could hear soft voices, and my heart clenched, tears burning behind my eyes.

"Careful, hold on!" Tobirama's soft, dark voice.

Izuna's pearly giggle. "You don't have to treat me like I'm fragile! You didn't do that last week when you-"

"Shhh! Oh my God, Izuna, not here!" Tobirama said desperately, causing Izuna to laugh. It was like a waterfall of music.

As we came closer to the room, I could see them through the doorway. Tobirama was carefully lifting Izuna as if he was the most precious thing in the world, and placed him into a wheelchair. He kneeled in front of him, his arms on Izuna's thighs, and looked at him in awe. Izuna looked at him with in his eyes and placed his fingertips on his white cheeks, bare of the red stripes. They didn't notice me and the doctor come at first, but when they did, both jumped and looked over at us.

Izuna's eyes locked immediately to mine.

"Madara..." he whispered, his lips parted.

I couldn't take it. I just couldn't take it. That wheelchair. Izuna's limp legs. How Tobirama was kneeling, accepting this fate that I had created for the two of them. I put my hand to my mouth. Then, I turned and ran away.

Izuna didn't come home from hospital for the rest of spring break. His lower body had been buried under snow for almost twelve hours, and the nerves there had died. He'd been lucky that it was only his lower body, though; otherwise, he would have... I refused to let my brain go there. He had been hidden underneath the thick stone of a cliff, making it impossible for the heat cameras of the helicopters to detect him. In the end, he'd been found by some skiers of the rescue force who'd gone looking for him in the night, risking their own lives as the avalanche risk was still exceptionally high. Hashi had had to leave the day after due to a meeting. I'd caught him making a phonecall to cancel, but I had tried to force him to reconsider, saying I could manage. He was adamant there was just no way he was leaving me like this, so in the end, I had had to lie and say I would prefer to be alone at this point. At this, he agreed to go, but promised to video call every day and visit in the summer. My heart couldn't even take in the sadness of him leaving, it was so full of Izuna having become paraplegic. Mum and dad went visiting every day. Tobirama never left.

"Madara, darling, we're leaving. You ready?" mother asked the first day.

"I'm not coming", was all I said.

Mum stopped dead. "Why ever not?" she asked.

"Just... Just give me some time, okay?" I said.

To my great relief, she didn't protest or ask further questions. I spent my evening alone, watching skiing videos on YouTube and crying. I cooked myself some bean pasta and mixed it with vegetables and vegan ham and a dressing. At night, Hashi phoned me, but I didn't answer. I saw he texted me.

Hashirama Senju (10.22 pm): Are you all right, Madara?

Me (10.26 pm): I am sorry. I can't. I just really can't.

Hashirama Senju (10.27 pm): It's fine.

Hashirama Senju (10.30 pm): Madara, I like you. I really, really like you. I'm sorry I disappeared.

Me (10.32 pm): It might take some time. But I will forgive you.

Hashirama Senju (10.32 pm): Thank God.

My phone pinged again. It was a text from Izuna.

Izuna <3 (10.34 pm): Why didn't you come?

I didn't answer.

Izuna kept texting me. I kept avoiding him. I knew he knew I'd read them as he could see when I opened them, but I didn't have the energy to stay away. I wanted to suffocate myself in the desperation of Izuna's words.

Izuna <3 (04.15 pm): You didn't today either. Madara, what's wrong? I miss you...

Izuna <3 (06.30 pm): Madara, PLEASE?! <3

Izuna <3 (04.32 am): I can't sleep. Are you awake? Please call me.

Izuna <3 (04.57 am): I see you've read my messages. Madara, I can't take it!!

Izuna <3 (08.32 am): If you want me to leave you alone, please, PLEASE tell me so I can stop making a fool out of myself. Please...

Izuna <3 (05.20 pm): Big brother...

Izuna <3 (11.44 pm): Please...

It went on like this until the Sunday, before I was taking the train back. Then, he wrote the thing that well and truly crushed my heart.

Izuna <3 (03.02 pm): Are you still angry because I gave you advice about Hashi? Madara, I am so sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart I am so, so sorry. Please, forgive me.

That was the first night I went into the kitchen, took Sonia's sharpest Japanese knife, took it up to my room and sliced my thighs, frontside and backside, so deeply I got into the muscle.

I did not answer Izuna's text.